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bee_in_a_garden.
***
Chapter Thirty-Six -- The Flaw In The Plan
A EULOGY BEFORE WE COMMENCE SPORKING THE FINAL CHAPTER. I think it deserves a eulogy not only because this is the end of the series’ major story arc, but because this is the part where I kill it. With fire.
So, I know we’ve seen a lot of chapters that were badly written, and I just have to say that this one lives up to the standard set by the rest of the book. The problem is not the grammar as much, although as usual there are paragraph-long sentences with too many commas; the problem is really the fact that this is the climax, THE final battle, The End of the series, the Big One, and she hasn’t built it up well at all. So when she gets to this point, she’s got all this infodumping that she needs to do to explain to us what’s going on. The end result is the momentum comes to a huge lull as the characters essentially stop action, face the audience, and rehash the plot and explain everything. The previous chapter in the Train Station of Hallmark Death™ was also a lull and a DD-explains-it-all scene, but that at least fit with what I think was intended to be a timeless and surreal atmosphere. This is supposed to be an action chapter! It’s horrible, the inevitable end product of what’s been a poorly written book that does not at all fulfill the promises or hints of the first few books. The epilogue makes it worse.
Okay, so by now the eulogy censors have figured out this is more of a roast of the soon-to-be-deceased than a eulogy, so I’ll make it quick.
I also take huge issue with the fact that the climax of the Harry Potter series, which has been so popular not so much for the plot and writing as it has been for the world creation (and understandably so, back when the books were well edited), is completely dependent on a fairly major magical principle that we didn’t learn about until this book. Um. Yeah. You’d think we’d have learned about the wand owner thing in Book Two during the Dueling Club when they were first taught Expelliarmus, at the very latest, if not in Book One. So this chapter, which is supposed to conclude the series, already doesn’t really fit the rest of the books. It’s not satisfying at all!
Amen. All right, end of eulogy. Let’s hit the buffet.
***
We start off with Harry coming back to the painful, hard, physical world from his trip to the glowy, soft-edged Train Station of Hallmark Death™ or The Matrix Train Station or the “All aboard the Exposition Express!” chapter. Blah blah blah. Oh, let me just point out that it would be unlikely that the “smell of the forest filled his nostrils” if his mouth was also “gaping” open like the limp haddock that he is. Harry would be breathing through his mouth, not his nose.
JKR then tries to convey suspense by describing the sounds and voices that Harry can hear in such a way that we sense worry and disconcertion among the DEs (because Voldie has collapsed). However, for some reason, she does so by describing Bellatrix speaking “as if to a lover.” Not as someone worried about her lover, mind you. So I was initially confused, because I thought they were just being in hushed awe and worshipful because Voldie FINALLY killed the famous Harry Potter. Then it turns out the descriptions were supposed to be hinting that this was a scene of alarm and that something was wrong! Whiplash!
Harry cracks a lid and guesses that Voldemort collapsed when he AK’d Harry and came back as Harry came back. Sure, Voldie didn’t pass out when any of his other soul fragments were destroyed – would have been a dead giveaway that he might need to check up on his horcruxes – but whatever. I’ve given up trying to figure out the rules. Although, I can’t help but wonder where Voldie went and what happened to him while he was out. Was he in Harry’s mental train station but in the body of the gross Voldie-baby? Or did he go to his own imaginary place? If so, what would he have seen and who would he have talked to? It’d have been funny if Dumbledore also appeared to him. I imagine the experience would have gone something like this:
Voldemort: *dazed* Hey, what’s going- …Oh, no. Not you.
Dumbledore: Yo, wassaaaaap. I am pompous and high-handed and believe my manipulative decisions are justified on behalf of the “Greater Good.”
Voldemort: And I thought once I had you killed that I’d finally be rid of you.
Dumbledore: I warned you, strike me down and I will become more powerful than…wait…uhhh, I mean, repent, Scrooge! Feel some remorse! Change your evil ways before it’s too late and you end up like me, Albus Percival Wulfric Jacob Marley!
*Slytherin pops up*
Slytherin: You know what? I think YOU should repent, Dumbles. You’re the one who had such a Frodo-Gollum complex that you gave Voldie here the benefit of the doubt when he was CLEARLY a power-hungry psychopath, just because you had to believe there was hope for him and thus for yourself.
Dumbledore: Shut up, before I throw this god-damned harp at you.
Slytherin: Bring it on, you creepy old man! I can’t believe they even let you on the grounds, much less become headmaster of Hogwarts!
Dumbledore: I’m the creepy old man??!! U dye naow plzkthnx!!1!!
*Dumbledore and Slytherin start beard-pulling*
Voldemort: *sighs* You see? This is why I kill people.
Anyway, although Voldemort has been trying and failing to knock off Harry for seventeen years, he sends Narcissa over to check Harry’s corpse instead of doing it himself. Narcissa. *headdesk*
“Hands, softer than he had been expecting, touched Harry’s face, pulled back an eyelid, crept beneath his shirt, down to his chest, and felt his heart.”
TEH COMMAS!!! And teh creepy.
Narcissa asks Harry if Draco’s alive and in the castle. He says yes, and she thanks him by stabbing him with her nails. Alas, it is not fatal. For this exchange, JKR has Narcissa’s mouth an inch from Harry’s ear. I think all the closely watching people might be suspicious – if not of collusion, at least of necrophilia.
Narcissa straightens and pronounces him dead, which I don’t understand. The reason given is that the only way she’d be able to get into Hogwarts and find her son is “as part of the conquering army.” Yeah, sooo…doesn’t that mean she should AK Harry on the spot so they win? Won’t a secretly alive Harry mean more fighting and possibly losing? The sense, it is not making!!
Voldie is thrilled and starts the Cruciatus mojo on what he thinks is Harry’s corpse, which I also don’t understand, because corpses can’t feel pain. Of course, it seems Harry doesn’t feel any pain either, as the Cruciatus Curse has no effect on him besides tossing him around. Why? I’d guess that he is actually dead. Either the rest of this book is a post-mortem hallucination, or he’s an Inferius that thinks he’s alive. Or maybe he’s just back in the Matrix and doesn’t realize it.
They make Hagrid carry Harry back. Hagrid basically washes/purifies/waters plant!Harry with his tears, which seems to have Biblical overtones to me…Narnia overtones at the very least. Someone keeps vigil, usually women, and they weep over the body. A little later, they look for the body and it won’t be there! And then voilà, the dead person is back to life! Harry is even referred to as their savior later. At least it’s Hagrid instead of a woman. Still, I’d like to bury Harry in a hole and see if he’s still there after three days.
“Branches caught at Harry’s hair and robes, but he lay quiescent, his mouth lolling open, his eyes shut, and in the darkness, while the Death Eaters crowed all around them, and while Hagrid sobbed blindly, nobody looked to see whether a pulse beat in the exposed neck of Harry Potter…”
What, not even Fenrir? Also, yet another run-on sentence of dooooom. Thirdly, quiescent is an adjective, quiescently is an adverb. It’s either he was quiescent or he lay quiescently. And if Harry’s mouth is lolling open, he hasn’t gone into rigor mortis yet. Let’s pose him!
After passing the centaurs (check their flanks – they all have bumper stickers that say “FORESHADOWING” in big block letters), Harry can tell they’ve reached the edge of the forest by “a freshening of the air.” I’ll grant you smells can be distinctive, but physical borders like where a forest and meadow meet =/= smell borders. Dementors patrol the “outer trees,” whatever that means.
Harry is not affected by the Dementors because “the fact of his own survival burned inside him, a talisman against them, as though his father’s stag kept guardian in his heart.”
Wait, so first the Cruciatus Curse doesn’t hurt him, and now Dementors don’t affect him? Just because he had a near-death experience? Okay. JKR told me that NDE’s give you immunity from the pain of bad memories, so that’s how I intend to process all future emotionally traumatic events. Remember, I owe everything to JKR!
Voldie stops and gives the castle grounds the surrender speech. Crickets can be heard chirping, and Voldemort swears to never do stand-up comedy again.
They move on. Voldemort is wearing Nagini like a boa (Haha!! Get it?? Just kidding, boas constrict, Nagini is poisonous). Now they’re out on the grounds in the “slowly lightening darkness,” which confuses me because earlier Harry could tell the forest was thinning because he could see it getting brighter behind his eyelids. Plus Harry’s been able to see quite a bit through his slightly cracked-open eyelids for it being so dark. Nice consistency.
“The Death Eaters came to a halt: Harry heard them spreading out in a line facing the open front doors of the school.”
Wow. Considering the last time you opened your eyes all you could see was the castle far off in the darkness, that’s some great hearing, Harry. You could tell the Death Eaters were in a line, and in front of the doors, and that the doors were open, all with your eyes closed. Truly, you are The One.
“Any moment, the people for whom he had tried to die would see him, lying apparently dead, in Hagrid’s arms.”
“For whom he had tried to die.” Haha, what a failure. Geez, Harry, you can’t do anything right, can you? Besides, lying around in other people’s arms is about the same level of action that you’ve had throughout this book.
People come out of the school to ogle Harry’s body. First screamof joy goes to a thrilled Moaning Myrtle McGonagall, who I’d just like to say rocked back when her characterization was intact. More screams from Ron, Hermione, and Ginny, and everyone starts verbally abusing the DEs. Voldemort casts a silence spell on them and has Harry put at his feet, all symbolic-like. Ron breaks the charm with the completely illogical statement “He beat you!” and everyone starts shouting again. This ability to break/doge/avoid Voldie’s spells and the DE’s curses is a recurring Plot Point throughout the rest of the chapter. Voldie recasts the charm.
Voldie says Harry was killed trying to save his own skin like a coward, which everyone knows is false because that would be the smart thing to do (Hey, when you’re the symbolic rallying point of “the good guys” and crucial to their morale, you gotta take care of yourself. Death would be highly irresponsible).
Neville breaks out of the crowd and gets disarmed by Voldemort. So doesn’t that mean that Neville’s wand is now Voldemort’s, and then since Voldemort is later killed by his own curse, it’s still Voldie’s even after he dies, or at best, Harry’s? Poor Neville may be able to use his wand, but it will always belong to someone else. Right? Have I mentioned how much I dislike the way JKR did this wand thing?
Bellatrix describes Neville as “the boy who has been giving the Carrows so much trouble! The son of the Aurors, remember?” He really does sound like he should have been the hero of this book. I mean, what’s Harry doing right now, huh? Flopped out like a fish, instead of using the element of surprise to AK Voldie’s bony butt. I mean, Harry still has his wand, nobody’s paying attention to him, and he’s right there!! And he does nothing, while Neville runs right up to Voldemort and gets disarmed and is still facing him down. Honestly.
Anyway, Voldemort offers Neville a chance to become a Death Eater just because he’s pureblood, and Neville tells You-Know-Who to stick his wand you-know-where. Voldemort conveniently summons the Sorting Hat under the pretense of talking about how there will be no more sorting and how the only house will be Slytherin (although it’s clearly just a deus ex machina way of giving Neville a weapon to kill Nagini), paralyzes Neville, puts the hat on Neville’s head, and sets it on fire.
“Screams split the dawn, and Neville was aflame, rooted to the spot, unable to move, and Harry could not bear it: He must act-
And then, many things happened at the same moment.”
See, Harry was ABOUT to act, but then some stuff happened. The centaurs and Grawp and some animals show up, which couldn’t have possibly been foreshadowed any more obviously, and the fighting begins again.
Neville breaks the body bind and pulls Gryffindor’s sword out of the hat – WHERE DID THAT COME FROM?? Griphook is going to very put out – and does a Julia Child imitation, but without the booze. Chop chop chop. The horcruxes are down, I repeat, the horcruxes are down. Yay, Neville!
Hagrid notices that Harry’s body disappeared, but nobody else really seems to care.
Harry himself wanders around under the invisibility cloak, casting Shield Charms like some kind of wacky guardian angel, and then, led by Kreacher, the house elves bust onto the scene with meat cleavers and knives. Rockin’. I love the few paragraphs describing this scene. Tiny malicious elves stabbing people in the legs - it’s great.
Family and friends of Hogwarts students and the Hogsmeade villagers also show up to reinforce the “good guys.” I like to imagine this party includes the Slytherins who McGonagall kicked out earlier for no reason other than prejudice, but I’m probably just deluding myself. The DEs are being swamped.
Harry runs off and finds Voldemort “smiting all within reach.” Hee hee, “smiting.” Harry can’t get a clear shot, so instead JKR uses him to list all the other dueling pairs or groups, which is basically a Harry Potter series main character roll call. It’s just JKR bringing up all the old characters for a final goodbye.
Molly Weasley duels with Bellatrix. It’s fab and all, but I never understood why from a literary standpoint Molly got paired up with Bella. I mean, Neville would have been the obvious choice to defeat Bellatrix, but I guess he got the snake in a big symbolic moment proving that even a pureblood can be a True Gryffindor™ if he chooses to be, as well as reinforcing that this should have been his book. Harry has Sirius’s death to avenge, but he gets Voldemort. Tonks would have been good too since Bellatrix is her aunt and Sirius was her cousin – it could have been the renegade Blacks against the nasty Blacks - but JKR randomly killed her off. I don’t know. But people like it, so I guess it all works out anyway.
Afterwards, Voldemort gets all mad when Bellatrix dies (I assume she dies; earlier it said “both women were fighting to kill,” but the description just says “she toppled.” After all, Molly couldn’t KILL anyone, what kind of message would that send? You can tell who bad guys are because they kill people, except the good guys do it too, except it’s okay when they do it because it’s for “the Greater Good”? Haha, no author would suggest that! OH WAIT). So, Harry casts a humongous Shield Charm to protect an unwitting Molly from Voldemort’s angry smiting, forcing the dramatic reveal.
HARRY POTTER’S ALIVE!!! THE SHOCK!
Anyway, since it wasn’t a shock to the readers, pretty much immediately JKR drops the shock and cheering thing as we segue into the ending of “Dune.” Only with a super-talky Paul Atreides. As Harry and Voldemort circle each other for what was about to be an exciting, tense finale, all momentum ceases as JKR takes this opportunity to fill in some plotholes, meaning we get to read Voldemort and Harry yak it up for a ridiculously long time. Way to kill the mood.
Anyway, JKR explains why people were able to break Voldemort’s silence charms and full body binds earlier in the chapter…it’s because when he got hit with the AK, even though he didn’t die, Harry totally sacrificed himself for them, just like his mother, so they’re all like totally protected from Voldie and the DEs. Or something. Then Harry goes on to pimp Dumbledore, and explains how because Voldie doesn’t understand love, he totally missed the whole Snape loves Lily thing, Snape was a double agent and you had noooo idea, lol.
Also? Deathstick.
Yeah.
Anyway, throughout the conversation there is much repetition from Voldemort along the lines of, “You may be right but I am still the best because I crushed those powerful people like bugs, love didn’t save them, love never saved anybody, love’s such an old fashioned word, why can’t we give love give love give love give love...”
Harry tells Voldemort to “be a man” – something about not wearing boas as accessories - and try for some remorse to fix the whole soul-splitting thingy, which Voldie naturally refuses. Then Harry goes on to explain to the readers – ahem, I mean to Voldemort - Dumbledore’s plans and practically diagrams the path the Elder Wand has taken. Seriously, I’m expecting PowerPoint slides any minute now. Does Rowling think her readers are retarded, or what? The infodumping is getting really tiresome and uninteresting.
After leading us around, Harry gets to the point, although I still have to cut out a lot of blah blah blah that should have been edited down as filler: “The true master of the Elder Wand was Draco Malfoy.” And then, “I overpowered Draco weeks ago.” And then, the sole reason why I took this chapter:
“So it all comes down to this, doesn’t it?” whispered Harry. “Does the wand in your hand know its last master was disarmed? Because if it does…I am the true master of the Elder Wand.”
“I know what you're thinking. ‘Did he fire six shots or only five?’ Well, to tell you the truth, in all this excitement I kind of lost track myself. But being as this is a .44 Magnum, the most powerful handgun in the world, and would blow your head clean off, you've got to ask yourself a question: Do I feel lucky? Well, do ya, punk?”
I laughed so hard.
Yeah yeah, so golden flames, bang, the Elder Wand is flying towards Dirty Harry who catches it “with the unerring skill of the Seeker.” I hope you enjoyed that throwaway phrase, because that was the exciting culmination of all the Quidditch development throughout the series. Voldemort’s AK rebounds on himself, and, with all his horcruxes destroyed, Voldemort/Gollum is now is diminished to Tom Riddle/Smeagol, and is dead, dead, dead as a doornail, dead as Julius Caesar, really most sincerely dead.
Yay! It’s all over, and allegorical dawn breaks with its allegorical golden light. It’s alternately party time and crying time now. Harry is described as their leader, symbol, guide and savior. Don’t think about the rest of the book and whether Harry actually is any of those things, because it will hurt your brain. The “he must speak to the bereaved, clasp their hands, witness their tears, receive their thanks” line makes me nauseous. JKR tries to show how the Wizarding World has changed and isn’t discriminatory and all that anymore by showing how no one’s sitting according to house, or species, or anything, but don’t worry, outside this token scene things will be back to normal in no time.
Luna shows once again that she is one of the few sensitive and perceptive characters in this series when she helps tired Harry escape from his terrible duties and those darn needy people. Looking to spend time with those he’s closest to, he passes over the supposed love of his life and instead goes for Hermione and Ron. I’ll also mention that he also walked past Neville, with the sword of Gryffindor, “surrounded by a knot of fervent admirers.” It really does feel like that the actual Harry Potter story here was Neville’s which has been going on parallel to this, and mentioned in the same book, but not followed.
Ron has an actual funny line when he hears Peeves singing “We did it, we bashed them, wee Potter’s the one/And Voldy’s gone moldy, so now let’s have fun!” and deadpans, “Really gives a feeling for the scope and tragedy of the thing, doesn’t it?”
Oh, and suddenly “the pain of losing Fred and Lupin and Tonks pierced [Harry] like a physical wound every few steps. Most of all he felt the most stupendous relief, and a longing to sleep.” See? There was grief in there, right before relief and sleepiness.
They go up into the headmaster’s study to satisfy Harry’s fetishes, and as they enter there is an explosion of applause from all the portraits around the room. I can actually hear the swelling music and the clapping and the panning soar of the camera showing the portraits and Harry’s Oscar-worthy-I-promised-myself-I-wouldn’t-cry face, which means I’ve watched waaay too many movies.
Nigellus says to remember that “Slytherin House played its part! Let our contribution not be forgotten!” Yeah, nice try JKR, but Snape and Slughorn are the only ones I can think of on the good guys side…the majority of actual Slytherin House students were ordered out and not even given a chance, and the DEs are overwhelmingly Slytherin. Not to mention Voldemort. And I’m not even sure where Draco, Narcissa and Lucius fit at this point. But it’s true, what with JKR making “bad guys” = Slytherins, I’m sure Slytherin’s contribution to this war will not be forgotten.
Skip sappy description of portrait!Albus, go to where Harry becomes a Roman senator and self-importantly hushes the portraits by raising his hands. After they fall silent he says, “Friends, Romans, Countryman…” and asks DD if it’s a good idea to leave the Resurrection Stone lost in the forest. DD says it is, and that not going back for it is a “wise and courageous decision.” Once again, Harry is heroic through non-action.
Harry says he’ll keep the cloak, but that he doesn’t want the Elder Wand. He uses the Elder Wand to repair his old wand, and then declares he’ll put the Elder Wand “back where it came from.” Where would that be? Dumbledore’s grave (ew)? Godric’s Hollow? Anyway, Harry seems to think that if he dies a natural death, its power will be broken, because the previous master will never have been defeated.
I think that’s stupid. Better make sure you’re never, ever hit by a disarming spell for the rest of your life, Harry, or else the Deathstick has a new owner. Also better make sure you die a natural death. Which I’m sure you will, because it’s not like people who hear about how you defeated Voldie will come from all over the globe to try and defeat or kill you in order to the get the wand…yeah, that would never happen.
You could just, you know, break it.
Boromir Denethor Ron kind of has doubts about giving up the power of the One Ring Elder Wand, but Hermione thinks “Harry’s right.” Harry says he doesn’t want any more trouble, and the chapter finishes with Harry wondering if Kreacher will bring him a sandwich in bed. *Facepalm.* And thus ends the series on a poignant and profound note.
…
Grrr, why won’t these matches light??? Oh yeah, they’ve been saturated by my tears of pain.
bee_in_a_garden.***
A EULOGY BEFORE WE COMMENCE SPORKING THE FINAL CHAPTER. I think it deserves a eulogy not only because this is the end of the series’ major story arc, but because this is the part where I kill it. With fire.
So, I know we’ve seen a lot of chapters that were badly written, and I just have to say that this one lives up to the standard set by the rest of the book. The problem is not the grammar as much, although as usual there are paragraph-long sentences with too many commas; the problem is really the fact that this is the climax, THE final battle, The End of the series, the Big One, and she hasn’t built it up well at all. So when she gets to this point, she’s got all this infodumping that she needs to do to explain to us what’s going on. The end result is the momentum comes to a huge lull as the characters essentially stop action, face the audience, and rehash the plot and explain everything. The previous chapter in the Train Station of Hallmark Death™ was also a lull and a DD-explains-it-all scene, but that at least fit with what I think was intended to be a timeless and surreal atmosphere. This is supposed to be an action chapter! It’s horrible, the inevitable end product of what’s been a poorly written book that does not at all fulfill the promises or hints of the first few books. The epilogue makes it worse.
Okay, so by now the eulogy censors have figured out this is more of a roast of the soon-to-be-deceased than a eulogy, so I’ll make it quick.
I also take huge issue with the fact that the climax of the Harry Potter series, which has been so popular not so much for the plot and writing as it has been for the world creation (and understandably so, back when the books were well edited), is completely dependent on a fairly major magical principle that we didn’t learn about until this book. Um. Yeah. You’d think we’d have learned about the wand owner thing in Book Two during the Dueling Club when they were first taught Expelliarmus, at the very latest, if not in Book One. So this chapter, which is supposed to conclude the series, already doesn’t really fit the rest of the books. It’s not satisfying at all!
Amen. All right, end of eulogy. Let’s hit the buffet.
***
We start off with Harry coming back to the painful, hard, physical world from his trip to the glowy, soft-edged Train Station of Hallmark Death™ or The Matrix Train Station or the “All aboard the Exposition Express!” chapter. Blah blah blah. Oh, let me just point out that it would be unlikely that the “smell of the forest filled his nostrils” if his mouth was also “gaping” open like the limp haddock that he is. Harry would be breathing through his mouth, not his nose.
JKR then tries to convey suspense by describing the sounds and voices that Harry can hear in such a way that we sense worry and disconcertion among the DEs (because Voldie has collapsed). However, for some reason, she does so by describing Bellatrix speaking “as if to a lover.” Not as someone worried about her lover, mind you. So I was initially confused, because I thought they were just being in hushed awe and worshipful because Voldie FINALLY killed the famous Harry Potter. Then it turns out the descriptions were supposed to be hinting that this was a scene of alarm and that something was wrong! Whiplash!
Harry cracks a lid and guesses that Voldemort collapsed when he AK’d Harry and came back as Harry came back. Sure, Voldie didn’t pass out when any of his other soul fragments were destroyed – would have been a dead giveaway that he might need to check up on his horcruxes – but whatever. I’ve given up trying to figure out the rules. Although, I can’t help but wonder where Voldie went and what happened to him while he was out. Was he in Harry’s mental train station but in the body of the gross Voldie-baby? Or did he go to his own imaginary place? If so, what would he have seen and who would he have talked to? It’d have been funny if Dumbledore also appeared to him. I imagine the experience would have gone something like this:
Voldemort: *dazed* Hey, what’s going- …Oh, no. Not you.
Dumbledore: Yo, wassaaaaap. I am pompous and high-handed and believe my manipulative decisions are justified on behalf of the “Greater Good.”
Voldemort: And I thought once I had you killed that I’d finally be rid of you.
Dumbledore: I warned you, strike me down and I will become more powerful than…wait…uhhh, I mean, repent, Scrooge! Feel some remorse! Change your evil ways before it’s too late and you end up like me, Albus Percival Wulfric Jacob Marley!
*Slytherin pops up*
Slytherin: You know what? I think YOU should repent, Dumbles. You’re the one who had such a Frodo-Gollum complex that you gave Voldie here the benefit of the doubt when he was CLEARLY a power-hungry psychopath, just because you had to believe there was hope for him and thus for yourself.
Dumbledore: Shut up, before I throw this god-damned harp at you.
Slytherin: Bring it on, you creepy old man! I can’t believe they even let you on the grounds, much less become headmaster of Hogwarts!
Dumbledore: I’m the creepy old man??!! U dye naow plzkthnx!!1!!
*Dumbledore and Slytherin start beard-pulling*
Voldemort: *sighs* You see? This is why I kill people.
Anyway, although Voldemort has been trying and failing to knock off Harry for seventeen years, he sends Narcissa over to check Harry’s corpse instead of doing it himself. Narcissa. *headdesk*
“Hands, softer than he had been expecting, touched Harry’s face, pulled back an eyelid, crept beneath his shirt, down to his chest, and felt his heart.”
TEH COMMAS!!! And teh creepy.
Narcissa asks Harry if Draco’s alive and in the castle. He says yes, and she thanks him by stabbing him with her nails. Alas, it is not fatal. For this exchange, JKR has Narcissa’s mouth an inch from Harry’s ear. I think all the closely watching people might be suspicious – if not of collusion, at least of necrophilia.
Narcissa straightens and pronounces him dead, which I don’t understand. The reason given is that the only way she’d be able to get into Hogwarts and find her son is “as part of the conquering army.” Yeah, sooo…doesn’t that mean she should AK Harry on the spot so they win? Won’t a secretly alive Harry mean more fighting and possibly losing? The sense, it is not making!!
Voldie is thrilled and starts the Cruciatus mojo on what he thinks is Harry’s corpse, which I also don’t understand, because corpses can’t feel pain. Of course, it seems Harry doesn’t feel any pain either, as the Cruciatus Curse has no effect on him besides tossing him around. Why? I’d guess that he is actually dead. Either the rest of this book is a post-mortem hallucination, or he’s an Inferius that thinks he’s alive. Or maybe he’s just back in the Matrix and doesn’t realize it.
They make Hagrid carry Harry back. Hagrid basically washes/purifies/waters plant!Harry with his tears, which seems to have Biblical overtones to me…Narnia overtones at the very least. Someone keeps vigil, usually women, and they weep over the body. A little later, they look for the body and it won’t be there! And then voilà, the dead person is back to life! Harry is even referred to as their savior later. At least it’s Hagrid instead of a woman. Still, I’d like to bury Harry in a hole and see if he’s still there after three days.
“Branches caught at Harry’s hair and robes, but he lay quiescent, his mouth lolling open, his eyes shut, and in the darkness, while the Death Eaters crowed all around them, and while Hagrid sobbed blindly, nobody looked to see whether a pulse beat in the exposed neck of Harry Potter…”
What, not even Fenrir? Also, yet another run-on sentence of dooooom. Thirdly, quiescent is an adjective, quiescently is an adverb. It’s either he was quiescent or he lay quiescently. And if Harry’s mouth is lolling open, he hasn’t gone into rigor mortis yet. Let’s pose him!
After passing the centaurs (check their flanks – they all have bumper stickers that say “FORESHADOWING” in big block letters), Harry can tell they’ve reached the edge of the forest by “a freshening of the air.” I’ll grant you smells can be distinctive, but physical borders like where a forest and meadow meet =/= smell borders. Dementors patrol the “outer trees,” whatever that means.
Harry is not affected by the Dementors because “the fact of his own survival burned inside him, a talisman against them, as though his father’s stag kept guardian in his heart.”
Wait, so first the Cruciatus Curse doesn’t hurt him, and now Dementors don’t affect him? Just because he had a near-death experience? Okay. JKR told me that NDE’s give you immunity from the pain of bad memories, so that’s how I intend to process all future emotionally traumatic events. Remember, I owe everything to JKR!
Voldie stops and gives the castle grounds the surrender speech. Crickets can be heard chirping, and Voldemort swears to never do stand-up comedy again.
They move on. Voldemort is wearing Nagini like a boa (Haha!! Get it?? Just kidding, boas constrict, Nagini is poisonous). Now they’re out on the grounds in the “slowly lightening darkness,” which confuses me because earlier Harry could tell the forest was thinning because he could see it getting brighter behind his eyelids. Plus Harry’s been able to see quite a bit through his slightly cracked-open eyelids for it being so dark. Nice consistency.
“The Death Eaters came to a halt: Harry heard them spreading out in a line facing the open front doors of the school.”
Wow. Considering the last time you opened your eyes all you could see was the castle far off in the darkness, that’s some great hearing, Harry. You could tell the Death Eaters were in a line, and in front of the doors, and that the doors were open, all with your eyes closed. Truly, you are The One.
“Any moment, the people for whom he had tried to die would see him, lying apparently dead, in Hagrid’s arms.”
“For whom he had tried to die.” Haha, what a failure. Geez, Harry, you can’t do anything right, can you? Besides, lying around in other people’s arms is about the same level of action that you’ve had throughout this book.
People come out of the school to ogle Harry’s body. First scream
Voldie says Harry was killed trying to save his own skin like a coward, which everyone knows is false because that would be the smart thing to do (Hey, when you’re the symbolic rallying point of “the good guys” and crucial to their morale, you gotta take care of yourself. Death would be highly irresponsible).
Neville breaks out of the crowd and gets disarmed by Voldemort. So doesn’t that mean that Neville’s wand is now Voldemort’s, and then since Voldemort is later killed by his own curse, it’s still Voldie’s even after he dies, or at best, Harry’s? Poor Neville may be able to use his wand, but it will always belong to someone else. Right? Have I mentioned how much I dislike the way JKR did this wand thing?
Bellatrix describes Neville as “the boy who has been giving the Carrows so much trouble! The son of the Aurors, remember?” He really does sound like he should have been the hero of this book. I mean, what’s Harry doing right now, huh? Flopped out like a fish, instead of using the element of surprise to AK Voldie’s bony butt. I mean, Harry still has his wand, nobody’s paying attention to him, and he’s right there!! And he does nothing, while Neville runs right up to Voldemort and gets disarmed and is still facing him down. Honestly.
Anyway, Voldemort offers Neville a chance to become a Death Eater just because he’s pureblood, and Neville tells You-Know-Who to stick his wand you-know-where. Voldemort conveniently summons the Sorting Hat under the pretense of talking about how there will be no more sorting and how the only house will be Slytherin (although it’s clearly just a deus ex machina way of giving Neville a weapon to kill Nagini), paralyzes Neville, puts the hat on Neville’s head, and sets it on fire.
“Screams split the dawn, and Neville was aflame, rooted to the spot, unable to move, and Harry could not bear it: He must act-
And then, many things happened at the same moment.”
See, Harry was ABOUT to act, but then some stuff happened. The centaurs and Grawp and some animals show up, which couldn’t have possibly been foreshadowed any more obviously, and the fighting begins again.
Neville breaks the body bind and pulls Gryffindor’s sword out of the hat – WHERE DID THAT COME FROM?? Griphook is going to very put out – and does a Julia Child imitation, but without the booze. Chop chop chop. The horcruxes are down, I repeat, the horcruxes are down. Yay, Neville!
Hagrid notices that Harry’s body disappeared, but nobody else really seems to care.
Harry himself wanders around under the invisibility cloak, casting Shield Charms like some kind of wacky guardian angel, and then, led by Kreacher, the house elves bust onto the scene with meat cleavers and knives. Rockin’. I love the few paragraphs describing this scene. Tiny malicious elves stabbing people in the legs - it’s great.
Family and friends of Hogwarts students and the Hogsmeade villagers also show up to reinforce the “good guys.” I like to imagine this party includes the Slytherins who McGonagall kicked out earlier for no reason other than prejudice, but I’m probably just deluding myself. The DEs are being swamped.
Harry runs off and finds Voldemort “smiting all within reach.” Hee hee, “smiting.” Harry can’t get a clear shot, so instead JKR uses him to list all the other dueling pairs or groups, which is basically a Harry Potter series main character roll call. It’s just JKR bringing up all the old characters for a final goodbye.
Molly Weasley duels with Bellatrix. It’s fab and all, but I never understood why from a literary standpoint Molly got paired up with Bella. I mean, Neville would have been the obvious choice to defeat Bellatrix, but I guess he got the snake in a big symbolic moment proving that even a pureblood can be a True Gryffindor™ if he chooses to be, as well as reinforcing that this should have been his book. Harry has Sirius’s death to avenge, but he gets Voldemort. Tonks would have been good too since Bellatrix is her aunt and Sirius was her cousin – it could have been the renegade Blacks against the nasty Blacks - but JKR randomly killed her off. I don’t know. But people like it, so I guess it all works out anyway.
Afterwards, Voldemort gets all mad when Bellatrix dies (I assume she dies; earlier it said “both women were fighting to kill,” but the description just says “she toppled.” After all, Molly couldn’t KILL anyone, what kind of message would that send? You can tell who bad guys are because they kill people, except the good guys do it too, except it’s okay when they do it because it’s for “the Greater Good”? Haha, no author would suggest that! OH WAIT). So, Harry casts a humongous Shield Charm to protect an unwitting Molly from Voldemort’s angry smiting, forcing the dramatic reveal.
HARRY POTTER’S ALIVE!!! THE SHOCK!
Anyway, since it wasn’t a shock to the readers, pretty much immediately JKR drops the shock and cheering thing as we segue into the ending of “Dune.” Only with a super-talky Paul Atreides. As Harry and Voldemort circle each other for what was about to be an exciting, tense finale, all momentum ceases as JKR takes this opportunity to fill in some plotholes, meaning we get to read Voldemort and Harry yak it up for a ridiculously long time. Way to kill the mood.
Anyway, JKR explains why people were able to break Voldemort’s silence charms and full body binds earlier in the chapter…it’s because when he got hit with the AK, even though he didn’t die, Harry totally sacrificed himself for them, just like his mother, so they’re all like totally protected from Voldie and the DEs. Or something. Then Harry goes on to pimp Dumbledore, and explains how because Voldie doesn’t understand love, he totally missed the whole Snape loves Lily thing, Snape was a double agent and you had noooo idea, lol.
Also? Deathstick.
Yeah.
Anyway, throughout the conversation there is much repetition from Voldemort along the lines of, “You may be right but I am still the best because I crushed those powerful people like bugs, love didn’t save them, love never saved anybody, love’s such an old fashioned word, why can’t we give love give love give love give love...”
Harry tells Voldemort to “be a man” – something about not wearing boas as accessories - and try for some remorse to fix the whole soul-splitting thingy, which Voldie naturally refuses. Then Harry goes on to explain to the readers – ahem, I mean to Voldemort - Dumbledore’s plans and practically diagrams the path the Elder Wand has taken. Seriously, I’m expecting PowerPoint slides any minute now. Does Rowling think her readers are retarded, or what? The infodumping is getting really tiresome and uninteresting.
After leading us around, Harry gets to the point, although I still have to cut out a lot of blah blah blah that should have been edited down as filler: “The true master of the Elder Wand was Draco Malfoy.” And then, “I overpowered Draco weeks ago.” And then, the sole reason why I took this chapter:
“So it all comes down to this, doesn’t it?” whispered Harry. “Does the wand in your hand know its last master was disarmed? Because if it does…I am the true master of the Elder Wand.”
“I know what you're thinking. ‘Did he fire six shots or only five?’ Well, to tell you the truth, in all this excitement I kind of lost track myself. But being as this is a .44 Magnum, the most powerful handgun in the world, and would blow your head clean off, you've got to ask yourself a question: Do I feel lucky? Well, do ya, punk?”
I laughed so hard.
Yeah yeah, so golden flames, bang, the Elder Wand is flying towards Dirty Harry who catches it “with the unerring skill of the Seeker.” I hope you enjoyed that throwaway phrase, because that was the exciting culmination of all the Quidditch development throughout the series. Voldemort’s AK rebounds on himself, and, with all his horcruxes destroyed, Voldemort/Gollum is now is diminished to Tom Riddle/Smeagol, and is dead, dead, dead as a doornail, dead as Julius Caesar, really most sincerely dead.
Yay! It’s all over, and allegorical dawn breaks with its allegorical golden light. It’s alternately party time and crying time now. Harry is described as their leader, symbol, guide and savior. Don’t think about the rest of the book and whether Harry actually is any of those things, because it will hurt your brain. The “he must speak to the bereaved, clasp their hands, witness their tears, receive their thanks” line makes me nauseous. JKR tries to show how the Wizarding World has changed and isn’t discriminatory and all that anymore by showing how no one’s sitting according to house, or species, or anything, but don’t worry, outside this token scene things will be back to normal in no time.
Luna shows once again that she is one of the few sensitive and perceptive characters in this series when she helps tired Harry escape from his terrible duties and those darn needy people. Looking to spend time with those he’s closest to, he passes over the supposed love of his life and instead goes for Hermione and Ron. I’ll also mention that he also walked past Neville, with the sword of Gryffindor, “surrounded by a knot of fervent admirers.” It really does feel like that the actual Harry Potter story here was Neville’s which has been going on parallel to this, and mentioned in the same book, but not followed.
Ron has an actual funny line when he hears Peeves singing “We did it, we bashed them, wee Potter’s the one/And Voldy’s gone moldy, so now let’s have fun!” and deadpans, “Really gives a feeling for the scope and tragedy of the thing, doesn’t it?”
Oh, and suddenly “the pain of losing Fred and Lupin and Tonks pierced [Harry] like a physical wound every few steps. Most of all he felt the most stupendous relief, and a longing to sleep.” See? There was grief in there, right before relief and sleepiness.
They go up into the headmaster’s study to satisfy Harry’s fetishes, and as they enter there is an explosion of applause from all the portraits around the room. I can actually hear the swelling music and the clapping and the panning soar of the camera showing the portraits and Harry’s Oscar-worthy-I-promised-myself-I-wouldn’t-cry face, which means I’ve watched waaay too many movies.
Nigellus says to remember that “Slytherin House played its part! Let our contribution not be forgotten!” Yeah, nice try JKR, but Snape and Slughorn are the only ones I can think of on the good guys side…the majority of actual Slytherin House students were ordered out and not even given a chance, and the DEs are overwhelmingly Slytherin. Not to mention Voldemort. And I’m not even sure where Draco, Narcissa and Lucius fit at this point. But it’s true, what with JKR making “bad guys” = Slytherins, I’m sure Slytherin’s contribution to this war will not be forgotten.
Skip sappy description of portrait!Albus, go to where Harry becomes a Roman senator and self-importantly hushes the portraits by raising his hands. After they fall silent he says, “Friends, Romans, Countryman…” and asks DD if it’s a good idea to leave the Resurrection Stone lost in the forest. DD says it is, and that not going back for it is a “wise and courageous decision.” Once again, Harry is heroic through non-action.
Harry says he’ll keep the cloak, but that he doesn’t want the Elder Wand. He uses the Elder Wand to repair his old wand, and then declares he’ll put the Elder Wand “back where it came from.” Where would that be? Dumbledore’s grave (ew)? Godric’s Hollow? Anyway, Harry seems to think that if he dies a natural death, its power will be broken, because the previous master will never have been defeated.
I think that’s stupid. Better make sure you’re never, ever hit by a disarming spell for the rest of your life, Harry, or else the Deathstick has a new owner. Also better make sure you die a natural death. Which I’m sure you will, because it’s not like people who hear about how you defeated Voldie will come from all over the globe to try and defeat or kill you in order to the get the wand…yeah, that would never happen.
You could just, you know, break it.
…
Grrr, why won’t these matches light??? Oh yeah, they’ve been saturated by my tears of pain.
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