deadlyhollow | Chapter Twelve Magic is Might (Reply)

In which the Trio tell us what they are doing - As They DO IT, Hermione injures a theatre for no reason, Harry does NOTHING and I nearly commit suicide by keyboard

It's hot, it's August, the grass is dying and we are reminded that 12 Grimmauld Place can't be seen by Muggles.

I don't know how hiding the house works and frankly it makes my head hurt to think about it.

Barely a day passed without one or two people arriving in Grimmauld Place with no other purpose, or so it seemed, than to lean against the railings facing numbers eleven and thirteen, watching the join between the two houses.

Is there no neighbourhood watch in the area? If I lived there and there were oddly dressed lurkers/stalkers I'd have the cops around, sharpish. It's ludicrous that odd people would be allowed to lurk in the same place for weeks without at least a Stop and Search.

Especially odd looking people in cloaks. It insults kids, specially in these suspicious times, that they wouldn't think of this.

There's a real paradox here, unless I'm reading it wrong. How do the Death Eaters know where the house is? After Dumbledore's death (according to JKR's ever-shifting sand that is canon) his being a secret keeper died and his Fidelius shifts to those to whom he had passed on the secret. So that's the Order, the Weasleys, the Trio, and Snape, in a nutshell.

The only way the Death Eaters could know where 12 Grimmauld Place is, is if Snape either told them directly, or wrote it down for them to read.

Voldemort knows that Snape knows where it is. It doesn't seem reasonable that Voldemort wouldn't order Snape to tell everyone the secret and then the DE's would pile in.

If that is the case, which seems to be, as they seem to (to the eyes of the Muggles in the Place) WHY can't they get IN?

Add to this the insanity of Harry (HARRY!) and not the others leaving the house under the bloody invisibility cloak instead of using a dozen other ways of disguise, Dissolutionment, transfiguration, blah blah blah and how is he travelling? Apparating. Of course. Which makes a bloody loud noise. He WORries that they might have spotted him when the cloak slips but you'd think he'd be more worried they'd wait for the pop and cast a whole load of Stunning Spells.

It's what I would do.

But still no-one spots him, so all in all this section is nothing more than something to fill a couple of pages - and it is all nonsensical FILLER.

We then meet Disney!Kreacher, who apart from Neville turns into my favourite character of the book. Clean and happy, he (at last) shows the reader what a really happy occupied house elf should be like. It also makes me realise, that the elves at Hogwarts were NOT happy and well adjusted, and that Dobby was a serious psycho.

Notice how Hermione never worries about how he slaves for her now. Guess her concern was just a phase to attract boys, and sheesh – Kreacher's happy, so why worry about him still being a slave, huh?

He waited until he was halfway down the stairs to the kitchen, out of earshot of Mrs. Black and clear of the dust cloud, before calling,

And we care about all this detail why?

Enter Disney!Kreacher who fusses over Harry like a cross between the mother he can't be bothered about and Good Gollum.

SNIP! As they are horrified that Snape will be Headmaster and once again we are given our news via the newspapers. But honestly. Of course Snape, who else? Hagrid? Binns?

Infodump infodump as Hermione reads out the article. The most interesting fact is that Amycus Carrow is the new Defence Against the Dark Arts professor. Hurrah! At least the kids will learn something this year.

Hermione shrieks a lot too. I've finally discovered WHY Hermione shrieks, overreacts and washes Ron's smalls. It's because she is becoming more like Molly, and as we know some men go for women who will turn into their mothers….

Ron doesn't seem to know who the Carrows are, even though Harry must have told him. But no, we have to endure idiocy so that Harry can give us more infodump about two characters who have very little impact on the rest of the book.

Harry complains at the favouritism Voldemort is showing by employing the Carrows. Goodness, there's never been favouritism at Hogwarts before. How evil is Voldemort?

He then makes the teachers out to be protecting the students out of their own cowardice – nice one, Harry.

"...it'll be a choice between staying and teaching, or a nice few years in Azkaban – and that's if they're lucky. I reckon they'll stay to try and protect the students."

Kreacher brings in soup and we get the most pointless sentence ever. My editor would have broken her red pen in half on this.

He began to spoon soup into his mouth.

That's on a par with "He stood on his feet" "he thought to himself" "he clutched her with his fingers" REDPEN REDPEN REDPEN

Also - Apparently, Regulus' locket has magical chef qualities. It's a Gordon Ramsey trinket, perhaps.

The quality of Kreacher's cooking had improved dramatically ever since he had been given Regulus's locket: Today's French onion was as good as Harry had ever tasted.

I find it hard to believe that he'd EVER tasted French Onion soup. Why, you little foodie, Harry. I was under the impression that you judged food by quantity, not quality.

"There are still a load of Death Eaters watching this house," he told Ron as he ate,

Technically, you don't eat soup, you drink it, but hush ma mouf, I should not be so picky. And is he telling Ron as he was eating, or is he telling Ron as HE was eating. Who knows? Who cares.

Ron gets dewy eyed over the fact he's not on the Hogwarts Express.

"I've been thinking about that all day. It left nearly six hours ago. Weird, not being on it, isn't it?"

Why? You haven't taken it every year, after all.

SNIP! While Harry tells us what the Hogwarts Express is and Hermione reappears with a large portrait which she shoves into ~~Mary Poppins’ Carpet Bag, Star's Kitbag, The Luggage the Tardis~~ her small, beaded bag

despite the fact that it was patently too large to fit inside the tiny bag, within a few seconds it had vanished, like so much ease, into the bag's capacious depths.

I suppose taking the portrait out of the frame never occurred to anyone? Anyone? Bueller? She says that Snape could use the portrait of Sirius' ancestor to spy on them and that all he would now see was the inside of the bag.

*sigh * I'm quite sure that this will turn out to be VITAL because really, all they had to do was shove the portrait into a drawer, or turn it against the WALL. It's not like the portrait can walk around and for frells sake, how LONG have you been in the house? Didn't you think of this before now? He could have been spying on you for weeks. And actually, if he's now hanging around your neck, Hermione, can't he hear everything you say?

However, Ron is impressed, which doesn't endear him to me at this moment. If that's what he considers "Good Thinking." There's no hope for him. Or perhaps he’s using another wile from his book, more compliments.

SNIP! and they discuss interminably what they've learned about the Ministry and how they have "nearly" found out where Umbridge's office is. It's mind numbingly dull.

Now you see, that's the problem with magic with no rules. I can think of a dozen ways they should have already done this, and as far as I'm concerned they are farting around unnecessarily, wasting time and filling in a couple of chapters.

Then Ron says something I would have thumped him for, had I been Harry.

"Dad always told us most Ministry people use the Floo Network to get to work," Ron said. "That's why we haven't seen Umbridge, she'd never walk, she'd think she's too important."

*sigh* And they've been watching the Ministry .. how long?

Hermoine asks a bizarre question, completely unrelated question to anything, specially as she hadn't been on surveillance duty that day.

"And what about that funny old witch and that little wizard in the navy robes?" Hermione asked.

Which of course is to explain to us that they’ve been doing something (god knows what) all this time.

And Ron is used as an idiot board again.

"Oh yeah, the bloke from Magical Maintenance," said Ron.

"How do you know he works for Magical Maintenance?" Hermione asked, her soup spoon suspended in midair.

"Dad said everyone from Magical Maintenance wears navy blue robes."

So, Ron - Dad couldn't tell you where Dolores' office was?

(And as

gehayi recently pointed out, most huge organisations have a board in the foyer with YOU ARE HERE on, showing you where departments are sited)

I refuse to believe these kids couldn’t contact the Burrow if they needed to. Can we say Patronus? Wouldn’t it have been a handy thing to learn? Couldn’t Remus explain talking Patroni?

Seriously. Ron has lost all his promise over the books. I was under the impression that the Trio all had skills (as in the best RPGs) that complemented each other. Harry (allegedly, brave and good at spells) Hermione (full of book learning and damned good at stuff) and Ron (a consummate tactician)

Why set up Ron up to have the sort of mind that can play "the best game of wizard chess seen in Hogwarts for many a year" when you aren't going to continue this tactical bent?

And what – no-one else is allowed to wear navy blue robes? It's not like it's a rare colour.

SNIP! Then we get more info dump for the benefit of the reader.

"..and we know roughly where Umbridge's office is, because of what you heard the bearded bloke saying to his mate – 'I'll be up on level one, Dolores wants to see me,'"

Because there's only one Dolores in the entire world.

Anyway, because I can't bear to dwell on this section, it is generally agreed by all that they aren't ready to act but Harry bullies them into going ahead the very next day. His argument is that they could spend another three months planning and it seems such a waste of time. It’s also (because JKR hasn’t been writing the day to day activiies, full of info dump and idiot speak as the Trio remind each other of what they’ve been doing, even though they have a load of notes on it.

This is Telling and not Showing. My editor would have a heart attack. Granted I don’t want another five chapters wedged in here explaining what they’ve been doing, but this whole boring section could have been replaced so very easily with them just getting ready, commando style, going over the plan last minute. Much more fun and excitement for everyone.

But no, JKR is so convinced that we love these three so much and every squabble, that she can’t break free of the horrible trap she’s written herslef into.

Occasionally there had been a chance to sneak a Daily Prophet out of somebody's briefcase.

Theft now? Surely they could go into a shop in disguise and buy one? Is there nothing that they won't stoop to?

I don't really get your logic, Harry. It's not like a Horcrux is going to go mouldy, you have NO idea that Dolores is keeping the thing in her desk – and why on earth would she? It seems a bit of a reach, but ho hum. Never mind.

They argue that it's too dangerous for Harry to go and he is ever the imbecile.

"Fine, I'll stay here," said Harry. "Let me know if you ever defeat Voldemort, "

Isn't that the word you aren't supposed to say? Even if you don't yet GET how they keep finding you, the Wizarding World had just about banned the use of that name, and now it turns out, they had a bloody good reason for it.

SO GET A CLUE BY FOUR!!!

Although his head didn't split open in the café, did it?

They make plans. Ad infinitum

…if all three of us go we'll have to Disapparate separately," Ron was saying. "We can't all fit under the Cloak anymore."

Note this, because they don’t.

However, despite saying this, they keep all crowding under it throughout the book. I've said it later on, but aren't there spells to make things bigger? Or them a little smaller?

Harry rushes to the bathroom because his scar hurts (I don't know why he can't just duke out the pain in public or go to another room)

he slumped over the black basin with its taps in the form of open-mouthed serpents and closed his eyes

The Blacks have no taste at all.

And then he gets VOLDIEVISION™

…. He was gliding along a twilit street. The buildings on either side of him had high, timbered gables; they looked like gingerbread houses. He approached one of them, then saw the whiteness of his own long-fingered hand against the door. He knocked. He felt a mounting excitement

When I read that sentence in gay erotica it means something that I'm quite sure JKR didn't mean.

… The door opened: A laughing woman stood there. Her face fell as she looked into Harry's face: humor gone, terror replacing it ….

"Gregorovitch?" said a high, cold voice

What I don't get in these visions is that Harry is Voldemort's body, but not his voice.

She shook her head: She was trying to close the door. A white hand held it steady, prevented her shutting him out

Because he can't use magic, I assume.

The woman then makes the whole saga utterly pointless, and any rules that we DID believe in come crumbling down around our ears.

{Voldemort} raised his hand. She screamed. Two young children came running into the hall. She tried to shield them with her arms. There was a flash of green light –

So she sacrifices herself in an attempt to save her children, and so…

Voldemort should be reduced to a spirit-thingy again.

So why isn't he?

"Harry! HARRY!" He opened his eyes; he had sunk to the floor. Hermione was pounding on the door again. "Harry, open up!" He had shouted out, he knew it. He got up and unbolted the door; Hermione toppled inside at once, regained her balance, and looked around suspiciously. Ron was right behind her, looking unnerved as he pointed his wand into the corners of the chilly bathroom.

Don't they have heating? Or a house-elf?

"What were you doing?" asked Hermione sternly.

Thousands of Harry-philes snigger behind their hands.

"What d'you think I was doing?" asked Harry with feeble bravado.

"You were yelling your head off!" said Ron.

Let's hope it wasn't "YES, YES, YES!!!"

"Oh yeah … I must've dozed off or – "

"Harry, please don't insult our intelligence,"

That wouldn't be hard.

SNIP! As Harry and Hermione infodump on each other and repeat stuff that's already been said about Voldemort getting inside his head and how Dumbles wanted Harry to learn Occlumency.

"You never really tried!" she said hotly.

Darling, when did he ever?

Harry however says that he's going to take advantage of the Voldievision™

Hermoine gets vaguely smutty.

"I don't get it, Harry – do you like having this special connection or relationship or what – whatever – "

SNIP! As they discuss Gregorovich, then

Harry glanced into the cracked, dusty mirror

Why is the place dirty? Is Disney!Kreacher not doing his job?

and saw Ron and Hermione exchanging skeptical looks behind his back. "Harry, you keep talking about what your wand did," said Hermione, "but you made it happen! Why are you so determined not to take responsibility for your own power?"

Yawn yawn – we are back to no-one believing Harry, believe ME when I tell you how tired I am of that.

"Drop it," he advised her. "It's up to him. And if we're going to the Ministry tomorrow, don't you reckon we should go over the plan?" Reluctantly, as the other two could tell, Hermione let the matter rest, though Harry was quite sure she would attack again at the first opportunity.

Lets hope not with psychotic canaries.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
So – it's the morning of the raid. Hermione has all they need in her little bag:

"Robes,"

Why is she carrying robes in her bag? If they are supposed to be the Navy Blue Robes how did they get them?

Kreacher waves them off like a good little Snow White and promises

to have a steak-and-kidney pie ready for them when they returned.

I do have to ask – where is this food coming from? They were living on mouldy bread last chapter.

"Bless him," said Ron fondly, "and when you think I used to fantasize about cutting off his head and sticking it on the wall."

*Erastes mutters something about her fantasies being even better in triplicate*

Still nothing from Elf-philanthropist, Hermione, then.

They made their way onto the front step with immense caution. They could see a couple of puffy-eyed Death Eaters watching the house from across the misty square.

HOW – DO- THEY – SEE – THE – HOUSE?

Hermione Disapparated with Ron first, then came back for Harry.

See? What happened to seperately, and again – as

gehayi has said – why is these books not called Hermione Granger and the… again?

Why? And again with the Apparating noise. Are these the deaf DE's?

After the usual brief spell of darkness and near suffocation,

Which we’ve had mentioned EVERY TIME Harry Apparates. Can’t we be left to imagine it by ourselves now?

Harry found himself in the tiny alleyway where the first phase of their plan was scheduled to take place.

And I think we can work that out for ourselves too, actually, ta.

It was as yet deserted, except for a couple of large bins;

Which no-one checks for lurking Death Eaters.

"hello, little boy" said the bin.

We then get the narration of d00m. I can quite understand why no-one wanted this chapter it’s just horrible. Despite the fact that they’ve been going over the plan for weeks, they have to explain every move for the reader.

Tell me – SURELY to god it would have been more fun just to read them doing it, rather than them telling us they were doing it – AS THEY WERE DOING IT?

Hermione blows a door off an empty theatre.

Subtle, then. And why?

The dark corridor behind it led, as they knew from their careful scouting trips, into an empty theatre.

Where, pray, is there an empty theatre in London? Mr Lloyd Webber? You are missing out on an opportunity!

Back to the narration of d00m

"And now," she said, turning, back to face the other two in the alleyway, "we put on the Cloak again –"

"—and we wait," Ron finished, throwing it over Hermione's head like a blanket

So

Hermione Apparates them away from Grimmauld

Hermione blows the door off the theatre (why?)

Hermione Stuns the poor little witch (oh the irony that she’s from the Misuse of Magic office)

Hermione pops her hair into a Polyjuice Potion which I’m sure that ~~Ron, Harry,~~ Hermione has made.

Hermione drinks the Potion (which is a pleasant heliotrope colour (which proves she is a nice woman – if the potion had turned mudlike I guess they would have had to kill her.))

Harry does nothing.

They Hermione goes through the most ridiculous (and risky) charade to get the second man to take a puking pastille and has to rely on “fingers” Weasley to steal his purse to get the tokens.

Harry does nothing.

Why on earth didn’t they just stun him too? Oh I remember why, it’s because every single thing and every single person who has ever appeared in the books has to make a reappearance.

Then amazingly, Hermione says what I was thinking.

"It would have made much less mess to Stun him too."

And we are back to the Narration of d00m. Like they wouldn’t have already discussed this to death.

"Yeah," said Ron, emerging from under the cloak holding the wizard's bag, "but I still think a whole pile of unconscious bodies would have drawn more attention.

Er. I thought you had an empty theatre in which to stuff people?

"It would have made much less mess to Stun him too." "Yeah," said Ron, emerging from under the cloak holding the wizard's bag, "but I still think a whole pile of unconscious bodies would have drawn more attention. Keen on his job, though, isn't he? Chuck us the hair and the potion, then." Within two minutes, Ron stood before them, as small and ferrety as the sick wizard, and wearing the navy blue robes that had been folded in his bag.

"Weird he wasn't wearing them today, wasn't it, seeing how much he wanted to go?

Oh dear. Is this a flaw in the plan?

A grown man has his name sewn into his clothes.

Anyway, I'm Reg Cattermole, according to the label in the back."

"Now wait here," Hermione told Harry, who was still under the Invisibility Cloak, "and we'll be back with some hairs for you." He had to wait ten minutes, but it seemed much longer to Harry, skulking alone in the sick-splattered alleyway beside the door concealing the Stunned Mafalda.

May I ask why they opened the door to the theatre?

Hermione and Ron go and get a victim for Harry.

Harry does nothing.

Finally Ron and Hermione reappeared. "We don't know who he is," Hermione said, passing Harry several curly black hairs, "but he's gone home with a dreadful nosebleed! Here, he's pretty tall, you'll need bigger robes …" She pulled out a set of the old robes Kreacher had laundered for them, and Harry retired to take the potion and change.

I don’t know why he’s suddenly all coy, everyone’s seen his tackle. Hell, Hermione and Ron have HAD his tackle.

SNIP! As they find out that they have to enter the Minsitry via some public toilets and flush themselves down the loos only to end up in the Flooplaces.

(Harry) got up clumsily; there was a lot more of his body than he was accustomed to.

More of his body, eh? Well, hello BIG boy.. *snorts *

The great Atrium seemed darker than Harry remembered it. Previously a golden fountain had filled the centre of the hall,

I think I’d rather not imagine that, if you don’t mind

Now there is a huge statue of a seated King and Queen of Wizards overlooking the Atrium with a neo nazi slogan MAGIC IS MIGHT engraved on them. “War is Peace” Freedom is Slavery” “Ignorance is Strength" eh? Wonder where you got THAT from, Jo?

"Psst!" said a voice, and he looked around to see a whispy little witch and the ferrety wizard from Magical Maintenance gesturing to him from over beside the statue. Harry hastened to join them.

"You got in all right, then?" Hermione whispered to Harry.

"No, he's still stuck in the bog," said Ron.

Thank you Ron, you could doing this spork, you know.

Harry, …was staring up at the statue. "Have you seen what they're sitting on?" Harry looked more closely and realized that what he had thought were decoratively carved thrones were actually mounds of carved humans: hundreds and hundreds of naked bodies, men, women, and children, all with rather stupid, ugly faces, twisted and pressed together to support the weight of the handsomely robed wizards. "Muggles," whispered Hermione, "In their rightful place.

Just like Dumbledore had wanted when he was gay. OMG gay=nazi!

SNIP! As Yaxley wants Ron/Cattermole to sort out the rain happening in his office.

Ron is pathetic

“…but how do I stop it raining?"

"Try Finite Incantatem," said Hermione at once, "that should stop the rain if it's a hex or curse; if it doesn't something's gone wrong with an Atmospheric Charm, which will be more difficult to fix, so as an interim measure try Impervius to protect his belongings – "

"Say it again, slowly – " said Ron,

God.

Now – I’ve read these books, once, maybe twice each. I haven’t been at boarding school, learning this stuff day in day out. Learning new spells to help Harry, blah blah blah. Why are we expected to believe that Ron doesn’t know this kindergarten stuff?

And that’s it really, and thank god. I nearly killed myself by the end