Chapter Twenty-Nine -- The Lost Diadem

[gehayi.livejournal.com]

Today's chapter was team-sporked by quinby and minkhollow.

***

In which JKR crams the book we all wanted to be reading into half a chapter, the DA's remnants have out-thought the Trio, and Ravenclaw has the best common room ever.

Chapter Twenty-Nine -- The Lost Diadem

Good morning, ladies and gents, and welcome to Neville Longbottom and the Year from Hell, otherwise known as The Book That Should Have Been.

This chapter is, in many ways, the most frustrating chapter in the entire frelling book. Why, might you ask? Simple. This is what we -should- have been reading and hearing about instead of the Camping Trip of Doom. Come on, Jo. We don't need to re-hash Two Towers. (Frodo, Sam and Gollum.... Frodo, Sam, and Gollum... oh look! It's a Gondorian! ... Frodo, Sam, and Gollum.... Pity we already had 'OH GOD IT'S A GIANT SPIDER RUUUUUUUUN' in Book 2.)

That being said, Rowling is actually doing something that I thought she'd stopped way back in book five or so. When she begun the series, she had a lovely ability to hint that things were deeper, wider, and more intense than she actually said. That came out in this chapter stronger than it has in a while. She knows what happened, but why the frell couldn't she just tell us? Who knows.

Now, however, it's details time. The chapter starts with Neville appearing out of a portrait and looking like something out of a horror film. Pleasantries are exchanged, Aberforth is snarky (partly about the Trio's ability to keep themselves alive), and Neville leads the Trio into the new Super-Sekrit Passage (TM) into Hogwarts. Along the way, he gives the Trio a plotdump about life at Hogwarts, and nearly everyone reading the book tears their hair out, as Life During Wartime > Nature Trail to Hell (only in 2-D at the moment, but if they IMAX this film as well...).

But they've used you as a knife sharpener

So the Carrows have forgotten they're wizards as well, apparently. I'd have thought they could bully people with spells just as effectively.

Luna sending a message to Neville really is adorable. Yes, I somewhat ship them. They really would be good for each other. (Also, Neville's grandmother kicking ass would've been awesome to...you know, actually read about.)

Note to JKR: We are not so dense as to need a suspense buildup before you tell us Neville's been living in the Room of Requirement. The two books before this established the Room's qualities well enough that we can guess where he'd be hiding and still on campus, especially with the likelihood and reality of others needing to hide. In any case, once they get there, the Trio get a hearty welcome, and everyone asks what they've been up to all this time. No, guys, don't ask. You'll find yourselves wondering if that was really all there was.

"...I went through it and met Aberforth. He's been providing us with food, because for some reason, that's the one thing the room doesn't really do."

"Yeah, well, food's one of the five exceptions to Gamp's Law of Elemental Transfiguration," said Ron to general astonishment.

Um. Ron? Props on the knowledge, but this is the wrong time. Stop sounding like your girlfriend Hermione. We're reminded for the fourth or so time that the Trio broke into the bank and got away on a dragon. (Jo, this isn't Short Attention Span Theatre. We remember what happened three chapters ago, honest.) Harry has a bout of VoldieVision, conveniently reminding him there's a Horcrux to find in the building; the DA assumes Harry's going to lead them in Glorious Hijinks, and offer to help with whatever he's there to do.

And...there we are doing it alone again. Lovely, Harry. Perhaps help would actually...oh, I don't know, help? Also, I really don't see why being so secretive about your Mission From Glod Dumbledore is really all that necessary. Surely it wouldn't hurt to tell the DA what's going on; at the very least, Neville's as bound to this prophecy business as Harry is. (Thank you, Neville, for making that selfsame point.) But here I go forgetting this is Rowlingland again.

Anyway, more people start trickling in, having got the word on the old DA Galleons (amazing how well the charm's held up, isn't it?). Everyone's still expecting a big fight; Ron protests that the Trio's going to be Very Very Quiet, but for the Greater Good (the Greater Good!), and that goes over like a lead balloon. Good to know someone in this madhouse is still showing some sense.

Ginny gave Harry a radiant smile: he had forgotten, or never fully appreciated, how beautiful she was, but he had never been less pleased to see her.

HARRY. This is -not- the time for hormones. Keep it down, boy.

Harry's mouth fell open. Right behind Lee Jordan came Harry's old girlfriend, Cho Chang.

...Particularly what sounds like hormones DIRECTED AT YOUR EX. It's a wonder Ginny didn't catch on then, considering how venomous she gets over the 'who's leading Harry to the common room?' thing.

Ron and Hermione finally convince Harry he doesn't have to figure out his Mission From Glod alone - though he still doesn't plan on telling people exactly what all the rush is about. The Ravenclaws in the room go through a bout of Cat Macroese almost by necessity ('lost diadem is lost!'). Cho offers a visual aid, despite the likelihood the genuine article's long gone, though Ginny's possessiveness leaves Luna giving the directions. (Me, I'd have had one of the guys do it, if I were that concerned about my boyfriend being stolen.)

I love the riddles for the Ravenclaw dorm. For once, Rowling does it right. The phoenix and flame metaphors are rather apropos because of all of the coming out of nowhere everyone is doing lately. (And, well, phoenixes are always lovely.)

And...sheesh. Lovely common room. Mmmmm.

"Wit beyond measure is man's greatest treasure". Now there's a double entendre. Wit could just be knowledge, or it could be 'wit', as in a witty joke. Hmmmm. Could explain the quizzical look on the statue.

Harry then proves why the Hat didn't even consider putting him in Ravenclaw:

Harry stepped out from under the Cloak and climbed up onto Ravenclaw's plinth

Yes, leaving Luna under the Cloak protects her - which is more thought than the Trio spared her back at Xeno's house. But really, Harry, PEOPLE ARE AFTER YOUR ASS TOO. Frankly, if a Death Eater hadn't popped up after that moment of stupidity, I would have been upset.

Ms. Carrow activates her Dark Mark (...no, brain, she and her brother are NOT the Wonder Twins, MAKE IT STOP), and the chapter ends there, on something more closely resembling a cliffhanger than what we got before Story Time and Betrayal With Xeno. Returning to the Two Towers comparison, perhaps this covers 'OH GOD IT'S A GIANT SPIDER RUUUUUUUUUUUUN.'

Comments

[guardians-song.livejournal.com]

I'm doing homework, so I'll comment before reading -

Ravenclaw has the best common room ever

Amen, and I love you. Internet salutations and deepest bows? :DDDD

[professor-mum.livejournal.com]

Good morning, ladies and gents, and welcome to Neville Longbottom and the Year from Hell, otherwise known as The Book That Should Have Been.

Amen and huzzah! Every moment in B7, EXCEPT those with Neville, is just a waste of time.

[minkhollow]

If the movie masterminds do try to make two clicks out of this book, I hope one of them expands on 'meanwhile, back at Hogwarts...' Esp. as the other option I can think of is filling the gap between the end of the book and the epilogue, which... DO NOT WANT.
I like Neville's bits because where Harry was the Chosen One, Neville did the choosing.

[professor-mum.livejournal.com]

I pray they stick to a single movie. They can probably move directly to one of the later Battle of Hogwarts chapters.

[ja-bucc.livejournal.com]

The Ravenclaws in the room go through a bout of Cat Macroese almost by necessity ('lost diadem is lost!').

Can haz lost diadem nao, plz?

kthxbai

(great spork *laugh* "OH GOD IT'S A GIANT SPIDER RUUUUUUUUUN.")

[minkhollow]

That does rather seem to cover Harry's approximate intelligence level in this book. XD
Glad you enjoyed it!

[solar-type-star.livejournal.com]

Hahaha, Ravenclaws cat-macroing is the funniest mental image.

[solar-type-star.livejournal.com]

Well, at least "Two Towers" split the length of the book between the different viewpoints in a proportionate manner.

If Rowling had written it, we would have followed Frodo all through the book, and all through "Return of the King" as well, until the Houses of Healing. Once there, Frodo would have asked Aragorn to update him, and he would have said: "Oh, we did some fighting. Three battles, actually. Against Isengard's orcs. Oh, and Sauron's too. Oh, and all his Eastern allies. Pretty epic stuff, actually. And you see the blond chick right there? She brought down the Witch-King of Angmar. Man, you should have seen the look on his face!"

Great sporking, btw. (I often forget to show my appreciation for the sporkings, but they're what keep me coming back :))

[minkhollow]

This is very true; I only got bogged down in the second half of Two Towers. (And that was as much coming down with a plague as 'okay, BORED NOW...')
"Yeah, and there was one battle where a load of sentient trees showed up. You might want to ask Merry and Pippin about that. But what about you, Frodo? Did you really have to deal with a giant spider?"
Glad you enjoyed it!

[smurasaki.livejournal.com]

Harry then proves why the Hat didn't even consider putting him in Ravenclaw

I now have this image of Harry asking to be in Ravenclaw (the way he did with Gryffindor) and the Hat laughing so hard it falls off his head. (Though after this book, I can't imagine why it considered him for Slythern.)

'OH GOD IT'S A GIANT SPIDER RUUUUUUUUUUUUN.'
*laughs*

[montavilla.livejournal.com]

Something I'd just like to share. I realized that the sorting hat probably only looks at two characteristics before sorting students: Brains and ambition.

Brains and ambition: Slytherin
Brains and no ambition: Ravenclaw
No brains, ambition: Gryffindor
No brains, no ambition: Hufflepuff

[minkhollow]

By that logic, I feel like Harry should have merited Hufflepuff. He's certainly not showing any ambition in this book.
(There's an interesting AU theory: Harry and Ron in Hufflepuff, and Hermione in Ravenclaw...)

[guardians-song.livejournal.com]

We value honesty, hard work, and fair play, not lies and deceit For The Greater Good, lazing around and bitching that DD didn't provide a heater for his tent or any idea on where to go, and Gallant Crucio!-s. We'd hurl him out on his ass. Not to mention that Dumbledore would have been hurled out so fast that the Sorting Hat wouldn't even have had time to finish crying "HUFFLEPUFF!" before the cry of "RESORT!" :D

Ron should have been Slytherin. He HAD the strategic ability (and occasionally the ability to think for himself), but the Gryffindor conditioning destroyed all that. :P I have an amusing plan for my AU where TMR is the Boy-Who-Lived and Harry is the insane Dark Lord - Harry is destroyed, but his lieutenant Weasley steps up and shows the world how one REALLY goes about being a brilliant Dark Lord. XD Ron's a good boy, when he's not parroting the party line. (Unfortunately, those times grow rarer each book... :P)

Neville should have been a Hufflepuff. :D He's courageous, too, but he has a carry-through ability that the Gryffindors we've seen seem to lack, and it takes WORK to keep Dumbledore's Army going during Hogwarts' darkest time. :D NEVILLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLE! *cheers*

Luna, of course, was correctly sorted. :D *cheers* LUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNA! NEVILLLLLLLLLLLLLE! LUNA/NEVILLE! WHO THE HELL IS ROLF? BWAHAHA INTERVIEWS ARE ONLY FOR GRINDELDORE CANONIZATION :DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD

[minkhollow]

That's all stuff that came in the last book, though. Book-1!Harry possibly could have pulled off Hufflepuff. That's half the fun of AU scenarios. XD
I like Ron as the evil vizier type. (Though goes it quite count if the vizier's already working for an evil overlord?)
Luna/Neville makes more sense than the per-interview stuff. Why JKR tried to pair off people with characters the audience hardly knows, I have yet to figure out.

[guardians-song.livejournal.com]

*last book and HBP

Yeah... he could've. ...I think OOTP is where he made the transition from Basically Good If Naive Kid to RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH ANGSSSSSSSSSSSST MONSTER!!11!!! ...Coincidentally, for all the plotting and interesting stuff in OOTP, that's also the book my memory has repressed. XD

If he does a far more competent job of Evil Overlording? :D I think so...

>:| I suppose it was to silence the "Everyone marries their childhood friends" people. But still... if she was going to do OBHWF, why couldn't she just have thrown the Neville/Luna shippers a bone? I mean, I like OBHWF (sort of. But within a few generations, it's going to make it difficult to pair people up without incest. XD), but that's the ultimate Marry Thy Childhood Friends thing. I mean, Harry/Ginny is Finally She Gets Her Hero. If she's going to do it that way for the "main characters", why can't she let us have our Non-Traditional-Hero character pairings? :P It just seems token-pairing-ish.

...Especially because Luna/Neville is a cute pairing... hey, they showed more devotion to Dumbledore's Army than its creator. :P Sheesh... (/end disappointed shipper rant - I think I'm finally beginning to sympathize a bit with the Harmonians...)

[guardians-song.livejournal.com]

Don't forget Cedric Diggory, the HUFFLEPUFF.

...I'm just going to cling to AU!Zacharias Smith from the Sacrifices Arc, who is an intellectually-elitist genius snob. And I do fangirl him for it. :D ...Some fanfic is better than canon. :DDDDDDDDDDD

And BRAINS for Slytherin? Really? Meet Crabbe and Goyle (even though Crabbe reveals himself to be actually a quite good villain in this book...). :P

I'd say it looks at one trait, and one trait alone:
The Plot Role Trait, wherein one is a Designated Villain, Designated Hero, or Designated Whothehellareyou?
Villain -> Slytherin
Hero -> Gryffindor
Whothehellareyou -> Flip a coin - heads is Ravenclaw, tails is Hufflepuff. :D

There are exceptions, of course. For plot convenience, one Villain is sorted into Gryffindor (Peter) and one Hero is sorted into Slytherin (Snape). This is to show Exceptions To The Rule... and completely missing the point that the PROBLEM is that there's a rule at all. :P

[dancesontrains.livejournal.com]

Very well said. *Fumes*