This is the chapter so bad, it needed to be sporked twice.

[gehayi.livejournal.com]

Consider this comparative literary analysis, if you will.

This is one of two chapters going up today; Chapter 16 is going up this afternoon. This is not, please note, in any way criticism of slashpine's work. It's more a case of "erastes was nearly done when the chapter was posted, and her take on Chapter 15 and slashpine's are both excellent and very, very different."

And so I'm posting this for erastes--she's going off to see Sweeney Todd this evening.

And now, on with the spork.

***

In which Harry is either John the Baptist or Jesus or something but with NO LOVE, Ted and Dean have a date, newspapers grow legs and Ron does the only sensible thing he's done since wizard chess.

Chapter 15 -- The Goblin's Revenge

Early next morning, before the other two were awake, Harry left the tent to search the woods around them for the oldest, most gnarled, and resilient-looking tree he could find. There in its shadows he buried Mad-Eye Moody's eye and marked the spot by gouging a small cross in the bark with his wand.

I think this is the first mention of Christianity in the books. It was at this point – sitting reading on a warm July morning – that I actually sat up and went WHAT THE FUCK?

There's so much wrongness with the books taking a Christian turn at this point, that I hardly know where to start.

Does anyone in the entire universe imagine that the Dursleys cared even the smallest bit about Harry's spiritual welfare that they bothered with Church, Sunday School and the like? Do you really think he would have been taught anything at school? I guess that, at a stretch, he could have been in an infants school from 5-11 that had hymns every morning blah blah but in Hogwarts was in a school where none of this was addressed at all. Not ever. Not until God Dumbledore appears in Heaven and Explains It All To Us. Harry was immediately aware that there was some kind of afterlife (ghosts) from day one, but God was never mentioned.

Or have I been missing something?

JKR – I'm extremely sad to say – can only be either pandering to the "Burn The Witch Potter" fundies by straying over the God line, OR she meant to do this all along and lulled us into a false sense of security. Whatever it was it made me feel utterly sick. I do NOT appreciate a Trojan Horse like this. Pullman and Lewis were upfront the entire time with their writing, and there was no doubt in Narnia and in Lyra's world what was being discussed and what it all meant. I actually applauded Jo from the beginning, for daring to expound a world where a pre-Christian and deeper magic, reaching back into the murky depths of our past, existed. Magic – like the force, existing in the earth and being channeled through adepts. But No. Magic exists because Jehovah exists. Blech.

It was not much, but Harry felt that Mad-Eye would have much preferred this to being stuck on Dolores Umbridge's door.

Personally, I think the old bastard would have enjoyed the irony. "constant vigilance!"

Then he returned to the tent to wait for the others to wake, and discuss what they were going to do next.

Again, over-egging it. The next section would have made this sentence superfluous.

Harry and Hermione felt that it was best not to stay anywhere too long, and Ron agreed, with the sole proviso that their next move took them within reach of a bacon sandwich.

Hey Ron, you've got a wand. And legs. How about you disguise yourself (or get Hermione to do it) and go and fucking buy one? But your role model is Harry, I guess.

Hermione therefore removed the enchantments she had placed around the clearing, while Harry and Ron obliterated all the marks and impressions on the ground that might show they had camped there.

And they didn't leave it to Hermione to do? Blimey. I bet they let her pack the tent up, though.

Then they Disapparated to the outskirts of a small market town.

I was getting a little confused about Apparating at this point (not the least all the mentions of the spinning on the spot, which I don't remember from Apparating lessons in the last book) as I was under the impression that you had to know where you were going in order to Apparate. I'm therefore assuming that this is somewhere one of them had been before. However, that is definitely muddled in this chapter as they go to a ton of places and there is no way they could have been to them all before.

Once they had pitched the tent in the shelter of a small copse of trees and (Hermione) surrounded it with freshly cast defensive enchantments, Harry ventured out under the Invisibility Cloak to find sustenance.

This is the second time he's talked about sustenance. I think he must get "the word of the day."

This, however, did not go as planned. He had barely entered the town when an unnatural chill, a descending mist,

Dementor sex!

and a sudden darkening of the skies made him freeze where he stood.

"But you can make a brilliant Patronus!" protested Ron, when Harry arrived back at the tent empty handed, out of breath, and mouthing the single word, "Dementors."

I've just had a thought. If Dementors can see through cloaks, then why doesn't every DE searcher have a Dementor buddy?

Come to think of it, why doesn't every DE searcher have a Moody Style Eye. That's the trouble with inventing "cool" devices, and not thinking it through.

"Wouldn't . . . come." Their expressions of consternation and disappointment made Harry feel ashamed.

About time, frankly. Buy some Viagra or something, you impotent fool.

SNIP! As Harry relives the terrible experience. *pet pet *

"So we still haven't got any food."

Sensible Ron - exposing Harry's innate selfishness. Of course it was completely impossible for Harry to Apparate elsewhere and try and get some food for his FRIENDS. Specially those who actually need sustenance.

"Shut up, Ron," snapped Hermione. "Harry, what happened? Why do you think you couldn't make your Patronus? You managed perfectly yesterday!"

Did he? Blimey, thanks Hermione, I'd forgotten that.

SNIP!while Harry goes into "OMG its all about me and my magic mode" and there's some most unusual and rare bickering. Hermione (for a change) realizes the problem. /sarcasm. It's obvious! Harry's wearing The One Ring around his neck!

They remove the ring and bingo! Harry feels better. Nice Masster. Stupid fat hobbitses don't know what to do.

"Harry," she said, crouching down in front of him and using the kind of voice he associated with visiting the very sick, "you don't think you've been possessed, do you?"

Since book one? Is that possible? It would certainly explain a great deal.

"What? No!" he said defensively.

If there is any more useless adjective in this section, I don't know of it.

"I remember everything we've done while I've been wearing it. I wouldn't know what I'd done if I'd been possessed, would I? Ginny told me there were times when she couldn't remember anything."

Done a lot of possession study (or study of anything at all,) Harry, have you? Are all possessions the same? No, I thought so, you wouldn't know. You are just making it up. As usual.

"Hmm," said Hermione, looking down at the heavy locket. "Well, maybe we ought not to wear it.

Ya think?

They bicker about where to keep it. They decide to take turns because they don't want it lying around. Yanno, it's a real shame they don't have a handy bag to put it in.

Ron says Feed Me Seymour, and Hermione (with a look at Harry which speaks volumes to me) says they'd better GO SOMEWHERE ELSE to get it. What a good idea, Hermione!

In the end they settled down for the night in a far flung field belonging to a lonely farm, from which they had managed to obtain eggs and bread.

"It's not stealing, is it?" asked Hermione in a troubled voice

I don't know what else she'd use to ask a question, to be honest, but you raise an interesting point, Hermione. It's fairly obvious you've been reading Discworld, as leaving money under hen coops is something that a certain werewolf does often, but the Theft Act (1968) states very clearly:

" A person's appropriation of property belonging to another may be dishonest notwithstanding that he is willing to pay for the property."

So yes, Hermione, I'd say it was stealing. Don't go into the law, will you?

D'oh!

Plus leaving money under the coop would ensure that it was 1. unfindable and 2. covered in shit. And where is all this Muggle money coming from, please?

as they devoured scrambled eggs on toast. "Not if I left some money under the chicken coop?"

I didn't know that hens laid bread too.

Ron rolled his eyes and said, with his cheeks bulging, "Er-my-nee, 'oo worry 'oo much. 'Elax!"

That's my boy, Ron. Don't worry, when Hermione is a lawyer, she'll be just the morally-fluid type you'll need when you get arrested in later life.

This was their first encounter with the fact that a full stomach meant good spirits; an empty one, bickering and gloom.

Harry's been hungry before. And oh, come on, Jo, are we supposed to swallow this? They've been bickering and D00M laden since book one. Don't try and crash land the tension on us because you are crap at it.

Harry was least surprised by this, because he had suffered periods of near starvation at the Dursleys'.

Oh don't exaggerate, you gimp. And you weren't exactly Anne of Green Gables back then, either, if I remember rightly.

Hermione bore up reasonably well on those nights when they managed to scavenge

Steal

nothing but berries or stale biscuits, her temper perhaps a little shorter than usual and her silences dour. Ron, however, had always been used to three delicious meals a day, courtesy of his mother or of the Hogwarts house-elves, and hunger made him both unreasonable and irascible. Whenever lack of food coincided with Ron's turn to wear the Horcrux, he became downright unpleasant.

Look. I'm sick of this whining. If you want food, then go and bloody get some.

SNIP! as their conversations becoming increasingly repetitive

Blimey, Jo, it took YOU long enough to notice. We, however had been aware of this for many many chapters.

as they had no new information.

Which makes for boring reading. Can't Harry go and buy a newspaper or something. I miss newspapers, don't you?

As Dumbledore had told Harry that he believed Voldemort had hidden the Horcruxes in places important to him, they kept reciting, in a sort of dreary litany, those locations they knew that Voldemort had lived or visited. The orphanage where he had been born and raised: Hogwarts, where he had been educated; Borgin and Burkes, where he had worked after completing school; then Albania, where he had spent his years of exile: These formed the basis of their speculations.

Idiots. No, really, they are. Why isn't the Chamber of Secrets important to him? Why isn't the cemetery at Little Hangleton important to him? Why haven't they been to Little Hangleton before now? Why haven't they been to Godric's Hollow before now? Why is the Orphanage special? He hated the orphanage and Harry KNOWS this.

"Yeah, let's go to Albania. Shouldn't take more than an afternoon to search an entire country," said Ron sarcastically.

Oh yeah, right. We didn't realize he was being sarcastic. (Erastes said, sarcastically)

"I can't see him hiding anything at Borgin and Burkes," said Harry, who had made this point many times before, but said it again simply to break the nasty silence. "Borgin and Burke were experts at Dark objects, they would've recognized a Horcrux straightaway."

Oh yeah? What do Horcruxes look like? Oh yes, I know. They look like an old book. No. A ring! No! A Locket! Argh!

Ron yawned pointedly.

Ron's turned into Draco!

Repressing a strong urge to throw something at him, Harry ploughed on, "I still reckon he might have hidden something at Hogwarts."

Hermione sighed. "But Dumbledore would have found it, Harry!"

Yes, like Dumbledore found all the hidden things, like – oh, the Chamber of Secrets, Hagrid's pet, secret passages…

Harry backs me up in this and says that DoubleDee didn't know everything. Goodness Harry, are you falling out of love?

More bickering and although Ron is wearing the Horcrux, Harry has an urge to strangle him. Just shows that Harry doesn't have to be wearing the Locket to be violent and unpredictable. Seems like some of the stories told about you are right, Harrykins.

Without any other leads, they traveled into London and, hidden beneath the Invisibility Cloak

WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY. I'm sick to DEATH of this. Use other disguises. For god's sake – dress as Muggles, bleach your hair, anything, but the stupid cloak is getting stupid. I'd like to see anyone trying to sneak three people around London Muggle streets under a bloody cloak and not being detected. There are a lot of people in London. And please note the hunger isn't mentioned so I'm assuming they are now getting food.

The Orphanage has been changed into offices. *shakes fist at Thatcher.*

They've changed the Muggle Orphanage into office blocks by a bridge now Fings ain't what they used to be!

"We could try digging in to foundations?" Hermione suggested stupidly halfheartedly.

"He wouldn't have hidden a Horcrux here," Harry said.

Oh font of wisdom, you know everything, don't you?

He had known it all along. The orphanage had been the place Voldemort had been determined to escape; he would never have hidden a part of his soul there. Dumbledore had shown Harry that Voldemort sought grandeur or mystique in his hiding places;

Time out, Time out!!

Which ones EXACTLY? We'll go on the ones Harry knows about, the ones Harry is basing this "fact" on.

1. The Diary. He'd given it to Lucius without telling him what it was. Grand, in as much as Lucius probably had it hanging around Malfoy Manor, but not exactly mystic. Not a place "important to Voldemort"
2. The Ring. He'd left it in a ruined cottage. Not grand. Not Mystic.
3. The unknown Horcrux that wasn't in the Black's vault. Not grand. Not Mystic and not a place "important to Voldemort"
4. The Locket's real location, Overkill to the Nth degree. Grandeur? If you are impressed by big wet places, yes, I suppose so. Mystical? How?
5. Nagini. Important yes. Grand and mystic? Ok if you take grand as being "big" but mystic? Doubtful.

So what really he's basing his "fact" on is what Dumb-One told him, and you'd think that he'd have had the scales fall from his eyes by now, wouldn't you?

this dismal gray corner of London was as far removed as you could imagine from Hogwarts of the Ministry or a building like Gringotts, the Wizarding banks, with its gilded doors and marble floors.

Yeah- because the Wizarding world is so much better. You know, I always wanted to live in the places in my books when I was a child, Oz, Narnia, Aragorn's bedroom *cough* but I really would NOT want to be a Wizard in Potterverse.

SNIP!As they continue their camping trip and a list of camping sites is given to us and I die of boredom.

Harry's scar kept prickling. It happened most often, he noticed, when he was wearing the Horcrux.

There are no words to describe this stupidity

Harry, was not a television aerial; he could only see what Voldemort was thinking at the time, not tune in to whatever took his fancy

Actually television aerials can't tune in on people's houses either, Harry. Unless you are M1-5.

Apparently Voldemort was dwelling endlessly on the unknown youth with the gleeful face, whose name and whereabouts, Harry felt sure, Voldemort knew no better than he did.

Surely if you are an aspiring Dark Lord, one learns about the previous Dark Lord? His life, his friends, his eduction, his powers, his mistakes?

Surely?

LARGE SNIP! As there is yet more camping and in order to attempt some conflict Jo throws some paranoia into the mix. Harry is sure they are talking about him. This has taken PAGES of chapter to get to this stage, and frankly it's nothing more than filler. Again. There are many canonical instances of Harry and Ron breaking up and usually it takes no more than one swift argument. Not weeks and weeks of stultifying crap.

Unfortunately (for you) we reach a bit about which I intend to have a good old rant. Food and the procurement of. Ron states the bleeding obvious that his dear old Ma can " make good food appear out of thin air"

Whilst this is an obvious sop to the fangirl's questions over the years such as "if the Weasleys are so poor how is it that they can't just create food" and such like enquiries – it's a damned good chance for us to learn about it, and I've been wanting the know the answer.

However the answer - which Hermione knows (obviously) and Ron doesn't even though he's been a wizard all his life, no-one's bothered to explain this to him and he never retained the knowledge from school– Gamp's Law of Elemental Transfiguration raises more idiocy in what they've been farting about with for WEEKS.

"It's impossible to make good food out of nothing! You can Summon it if you know where it is, you can transform it, you can increase the quantity if you've already got some—"

*sigh* So let's dissect that, shall we.?

You can Summon it.

So why, then, are they living on berries and mouldy bread? Accio salmon (which is used later) Accio berries. Accio rabbit. Accio roast bloody chicken, for God's sake!

You can transform it.

Well, obviously she can't, but Jesus could! Water into Wine, anyone?

you can increase the quantity if you've already got some.

Jesus again. Loaves and fishes galore. So, WHY didn't this bunch of useless bastards? They had eggs. They probably had an eggbox of some sort (Geminio!) they could have increased the quantity of the eggs and bread, and anything else half decent they ever got. The whole "starving in the wilderness" crap is pointless.

Oh.

Oh. Please no. Please tell me that this isn't fucking symbolic. I'll be sick.

I don't want to think about that. What I do spot though is that Jesus, with his loaves and fishes, must have been a wizard.(the water to wine thing is Gamp's Law, too, notice) And it just goes to show how much scoff you can make – enough to have made even Ron happy.

"Harry caught the fish

I bet he used his hands too, the moron.

and I did my best with it! I notice I'm always the one who ends up sorting out the food, because I'm a girl, I suppose!"

Why does she charm it to cook it? I'm fairly sure without checking that the tent has a cooker. In fact if there's one wizard who has learned to cook and cook well before he was 11 its HARRY BLOODY POTTER.

SNIP!For food argument. And then suddenly (and thank GOD) – something happens.

He was listening hard, his hands still raised, warning them not to talk. Then, over the rush and gush of the dark river beside them, he heard voices again. He looked around at the Sneakoscope. It was not moving.

Not unreliable people, then. How is it *I* know this? Oh yes, that's because I've been paying attention!

"You cast the Muffliato charm over us, right?" he whispered to Hermione.

I did everything," she whispered back, "Muffliato , Muggle-Repelling and Disillusionment Charms, all of it. They shouldn't be able to hear of see us, whoever they are."

Even Ron would (surely?) remember that you'd cast Disillusionment, Hermione, as it feels like an egg being cracked over your head, and you'd ALL BE INVISIBLE. TO EACH OTHER.

And Muffliato in a bloody forest? I'd think that wizards would notice the annoying buzzing and realize it wasn't natural. Imperturbable!!!

I just wish JKR could remember the method and product of spells. Just once.

Heavy scuffing and scraping noises, plus the sound of dislodged stones and twigs, told them that several people were clambering down the steep, wooded slope that descended to the narrow bank where they had pitched the tent.

Not very stealthily either, and they can't be wizards or they'd Apparate in.

They drew their wands, waiting. The enchantments they had cast around themselves ought to be sufficient, in the near total darkness, to shield them from the notice of Muggles and normal witches and wizards.

If it wasn't for the ringing in the ears.

If these were Death Eaters,

Then your Sneakoscope would have gone off. If you were going for tension here, Jo then two words.

BIG FAIL.

then perhaps their defenses were about to be tested by Dark Magic for the first time.

You wouldn't stand a chance, numbskulls.

The voices became louder but no more intelligible as the group of men

How do you know they are men, please?

reached the bank. Harry estimated that their owners were fewer than twenty feet away, but the cascading river made it impossible to tell for sure.

Eh? Why would the river make it hard to gauge the distance when it's nearly totally dark? This isn't the first time Harry has had Night Vision, either.

SNIP! As Hermione produces Extendable Ears and for the first time for months a wizard does something sensible.

"There ought to be a few salmon in here, or d'you reckon it's too early in the season? Accio salmon!"

It's actually too late for salmon, the timeline is unclear as to what day this actually is but it's very likely after 31st October which is the close of the season. So you are poaching, boys. You'd probably be poaching even if it was open season as there are few places where you just fish willy-nilly without a licence. But bravo for the Accio! Well done!

There were several distinct splashes and then the slapping sounds of fish against flesh. Somebody grunted appreciatively

I don't know about you, but my mind went somewhere very very disturbing. Gehayi tells me that in the Jurisdiction novels a man's penis is referred to as a fish, so… this is not a nice image and they really shouldn't be listening.

the murmur of the river…

It's not cascading now?

A fire danced into life on the other side of the canvas, large shadows passed between tent and flames. The delicious smell of baking salmon wafted tantalizingly in their direction. Then came the clinking of cutlery on plates,

Hell, these boys are organized. And GOOD. Hermione, are you paying attention to this? Well, apart from the fact that they discuss sensitive and dangerous business without any charms or wards that even mentally retarded children seem to know…

SNIP!while they chat.

"What made you leave, Ted?" continued the man.

"I decided to run off with this cute young man here," "Knew they were coming for me," replied mellow-voiced Ted, and Harry suddenly knew who he was: Tonks's father.

I'm gobsmacked that Potter remembers the voice of a man he's heard once, briefly months and months ago when he can't remember most things from one chapter to the next without Hermione reminding him.

"Muggle-born, eh?" asked the first man.

"Not sure," said Dean. "My dad left my mum when I was a kid. I've got no proof he was a wizard, though."

Just FYI, JKR in chat or whatever confirms that his father WAS a wizard but was recruited to the Death Eaters and was killed because he refused to sign up. I suppose that it is safer, in the current climate to leggit rather than risk them finding out that you might be Muggle-born.

SNIP!for small talk. With this bloated chapter, I could really do without it.

Gornuk says he was asked to do something undignified ut never says what. Griphook says he had similar reasons. We learn that Goblins don't buckle under the wizards (good for them) and that they are not taking sides. There's a hugely contrived section where Griphook mentions "the sword" and "Severus Snape" and then - AMAZINGLY - Dirk knows that some kids who tried to steal Gryffindor's sword out of Snape's office at Hogwarts.

It's all so "Well, Bob" exposition I could shoot myself.

However, I must get to the end. If I have to suffer, so must you.

Apparently Bill told Griphook who told Dirk.

It surprises me (although by now you'd think I'd have given up being surprised at any idiocy in this book) that the pupils would be allowed to send letters home without censoring. Umbridge was doing this when she was allegedly working for the good guys – perhaps life IS better under Voldemort.

"She and a couple of friends got into Snape's office and smashed open the glass case where he was apparently keeping the sword. Snape caught them as they were trying to smuggle it down the staircase."

But.. but… hang on a minute! Isn't this a magic world? Can't they make themselves invisible? Vanish the glass (Harry did this when he was ten years old) and transform the sword into a text book?

Obviously not. Cripes. I SO deserve to be Dark Lord.

SNIP! The Sword's a fake. That's bloody handy!

SNIP! Dean says that he believes in Harry Potter. Do you, girls and boys? Are you applauding?

Dean: I do believe in Harry Potter, I do I do.
Erastes: I don't believe in Harry Potter.
Harry Potter: *falls down dead*

Dirk says the one of the most sensible things in the book – that Harry's buggered off, and what he should be doing is a Joan of Arc and rallying the resistance. I kind of agree with him, to be honest.

SNIP! As they extol the virtues of Old Xenophilius who really seems to be a sitting duck. But hey! At least he's not sitting in a forest.

They speculate that Harry might have been killed. Ah. If only.

The walking newspapers wander off and one of my predictions comes to pass. Remember, Harry? Hermione has the idea of dragging old Phineas Nigellus out of the tiny beaded bag (and may I say why aren't these school issue? Hermione nearly put her back out in third year.)

Hermione also (because she's the only one who does anything, as we know) points her wand at it, in case it…what? Did magic at her?

As a general aside here, JKR has stated (in one of her "let's really stuff up the saga" chats) that Portraits are not sentient, but are on a kind of a loop. I'm sure she said this to stop people getting concerned about things like Portrait souls, but it's all horseapples. There's no way any of them aren't sentient...and all it did was cause RPGs to explode into wank everywhere.

Once Nigellus makes an appearance:

Hermione cried: "Obscuro!"

A black blindfold appeared over Phineas Nigellus's clever,

Note "clever"

dark eyes, causing him to bump into the frame and shriek with pain.

Whilst JKR probably thought this was going to make the kids go "cooool" all it made me think was:

1. Bwuh?
2. Why not just hold a piece of card up in front of his face, or turn the portrait away?
3. If you want to know if someone is lying, its usually a good idea to see their eyes.
4. If this kind of thing was possible, then we'd have known about it before because Filch would be continually complaining about The Fat Lady having a moustache put on, or that bonkers knight's horse being changed for a giant mouse or something. The equivalent of magical graffiti.
5. How had he not noticed he wasn't in the Black house before?
6. They are in a tent which doesn't look like a tent but resembles an English flat. How much of a security risk is him knowing what the décor is like?

SNIP! As they just about all reveal who they are in about 2 sentences. Gryffindor. The Thicky House. Nigellus confirms Ginny, Neville and Luna were attempting to steal the sword.

"They weren't thieving," said Harry. "That sword isn't Snape's."

Yes, Harry. Yes they WERE.

Shall I show you the Theft Act again?

http://www.peterjepson.com/law/Theft%20Act%201968.htm

A person is guilty of theft if he dishonestly appropriates property belonging to another with the intention of permanently depriving the other of it.

It's theft however you spin it. If it's Snape's, or Hogwarts', or even HARRY'S. It doesn't matter.

Then we get the biggest clue that Snape is a good guy with the description of the kids' punishment. Harry crows about Snape being pathetic, and doesn't catch the clue at all.

"Professor Snape sent them into the Forbidden Forest, to do some work for the oaf, Hagrid."

SNIP! We learn that the sword was used to open a ring. I don't know why Harry doesn't wonder if it can open the Snitch, but – well, he's Harry, after all. And frankly, Nigellus isn't very intelligent if he doesn't tell Snape what happened, and he leaves without having his blindfold removed. Idiot.

Hermione (of course) points out that Goblin made swords imbibe only which strengthens them—

Harry, that sword's impregnated with basilisk venom!"

Er…how, exactly? I don't remember the basilisk biting it. I remember Harry fighting the Basilisk so it should be full of basilisk blood, for all that would be of use. And ink – although that would only be useful if you wanted to prove that a sword was mightier than a pen.

Anyway, tra la. They explain to the stupid reader as to what must have happened because God forbid we are EVER allowed to join any dots by ourselves.

Then they remember Ron, who's sulking, because he's too thick to take part. But Ron then becomes favourite person number 3 for a little while because he tears stupid Harry and his stupid quest apart.

"We thought you knew what you were doing!" shouted Ron, standing up, and his words pierced Harry like scalding knives.

I wish.

"We thought Dumbledore had told you what to do, we thought you had a real plan!"

So did all of us, Ron. Believe you me. We paid £12.99 for it, too. At least you didn't have that indignity.

SNIP! SNIP! SNIP! for an argument – and even that is dull.

Wands are drawn and Ron stomps off, Hermione runs after him. When she comes back she says…

"He's g-g-gone! Disapparated!"

I actually felt sorry for Hermione at this point.

She threw herself into a chair, curled up, and started to cry.

However – I was the only one.

Harry felt dazed. He stooped, picked up the Horcrux, and placed it around his own neck. He dragged blankets off Ron's bunk and threw them over Hermione. Then he climbed onto his own bed and stared up at the dark canvas roof, listening to the pounding of the rain.

Which just about sums the little git up, doesn't it? What was that about him having a power that Voldemort doesn't again??

Comments

[erastes.livejournal.com]

Thank you! *laughing at your icon*

[solar-type-star.livejournal.com]

I don't remember taking Moody's eye's "burial" as something specially Christian. It seemed to me that Harry did it because it is something people do, marking a burial spot with a cross. Like when people celebrate Christmas, but not really the birth of Jesus. I mean, he didn't even say or think any final words in remembrance of the deceased. But that might be him being utterly emotionally aloof, as you point out at the end of the chapter. Any way you take it, there's still a bit of cognitive dissonance going on.

It's obvious! Harry's wearing The One Ring around his neck!
They remove the ring and bingo! Harry feels better. Nice Masster. Stupid fat hobbitses don't know what to do.

I physically facepalmed at this part when I first read it.

Ginny et al breaking into Snape's office is one of the things I always point to when I say that it would have been infinitely more interesting to be shown what other people where getting up to during the Long Winter in a Tent. This is what Lord of the Rings did: you had three groups of different people going around doing things, and the text would show you what they were doing alternatively, not have a bunch of elves show up and tell it to each other while Merry and Pippin were sleeping in a forest.

And go Ron, go. Save yourself while you can.

[erastes.livejournal.com]

X marks the spot? Hmm. possible, but I don't think so, not in light of the Christian references which come crowding in one after the other in next chapter and then so on.

The one ring. I know. *beats head against wall*

And I truly and completely agree with you about the need for differing points of view, I don't know why she did it so very rarely, because they were often the best chapters.

[solar-type-star.livejournal.com]

I'm just reading the sporking of the next chapter and um... wow. I didn't remember all those references, and you're right that this might have been paving the way for that.

I would have loved to see something with Neville's point of view, given that he's so awesome in this book. It's also a pity that we couldn't have had Snape's POV, because we weren't supposed to know that he was good in the end.

[erastes.livejournal.com]

Neville - gehayi and I were talking about that today - Rocks. Just Rocks.

[arcanetrivia]

Ginny et al breaking into Snape's office is one of the things I always point to when I say that it would have been infinitely more interesting to be shown what other people where getting up to during the Long Winter in a Tent.

Totally agree. But apparently showing things from other than Harry's POV is a big fat no-no.

This was the winter of our discontent, surely.

[solar-type-star.livejournal.com]

It's like it never occurred to JKR that it could be done otherwise. Seriously, Jo, learn from others. It'll do you good.

[minkhollow]

The food thing... I didn't even think about it that closely when I read the book. And now I'm glad, as I think I saved myself a few brain cells that way.
Re: portraits - I'll buy Mrs. Black as a tape loop, but even she shows a little more awareness of her surroundings than a tape loop would. And pretty much all the rest of the portraits, Phineas included, interact with the living world a LOT more than she does.

[erastes.livejournal.com]

I felt a bit sorry for Mrs Black, actually - and like so many characters that we aren't supposed to like, no-one attempts to allieviate her suffering, and that's ok, because she wasn't very nice.

Grrrr. Just putting another portrait near for her to chat to would have been nice.

Re: Snape

[erastes.livejournal.com]

You just made me completely die of the choking giggles, I've had a cough for weeks and it gets triggered when I laugh.

Thank you!

:)

Re: Snape

[puzzlement.livejournal.com]

Sorry, I deleted my comment out of a fit of paranoia I had the wrong chapter. I didn't realise you'd replied, so here we go:

I saw this chapter as fairly clearly dropping hints for the reader that Snape was acting in his capacity as Angel of the Light by being unexpectedly lenient towards the Hogwarts' student body. Harry gets so far as a smug thought about Snape sending Ginny off to the Forbidden Forest, but no further. I was disappointed not to see the TrioDuo ask themselves what was up with that. It could have been the excuse to return to Hogwarts under cover that this book so badly needed. However, in practice have turned into a dull round of:

"As you remember Harry, Snape killed Dumbledore last year."

"Yes, hrm, that is definitely a point on the evil side of the ledger... what have we got now... 302 evil to 1.5 good. What do you think this means, Hermione?"

"As you remember Harry..."

Perhaps it's best for all concerned that this is one of the few hints that was left dangling for the readers.

[arcanetrivia]

Personally, I think the old bastard would have enjoyed the irony. "constant vigilance!"

...you're right. LOL!

"Wouldn't . . . come." Their expressions of consternation and disappointment made Harry feel ashamed.

About time, frankly. Buy some Viagra or something, you impotent fool.

So he couldn't get the white stuff to come out of his wand, eh?

I miss newspapers, don't you?

Now I sure do.

The voices became louder but no more intelligible as the group of men

How do you know they are men, please?

Tonal quality of the "rhubarb, watermelon, rhubarb" noise. Doesn't mean there aren't any silent women, but even unintelligible voices can usually be sexed. (Unless you mean "how do you know they are human as opposed to other intelligent creatures that can speak".)

Erastes: I don't believe in Harry Potter.
Harry Potter: *falls down dead*

No, you have to wait about nineteen more chapters for that.

his words pierced Harry like scalding knives.

I wish.

Who "scalds" a knife? And how? Isn't it only liquids that can be "scalding"? A knife might be "searing", perhaps, or "burning hot", but "scalding"?

[smurasaki.livejournal.com]

Well, apart from the fact that they discuss sensitive and dangerous business without any charms or wards that even mentally retarded children seem to know…

Which is yet another reason why this scene would have been better if the two groups had shared dinner. (Though their lack of precautions does explain why most of them are dead a few chapters later. Sadly, the same cannot be said of the Trio, who probably should have suffered serious effects from malnutrition. I had a friend who decided to save money by not eating much and ended up in the hospital due to being low on potassium.)

[slashpine.livejournal.com]

Ron's comment:

...and his words pierced Harry like scalding knives.

And yours:

I wish.

*dies laughing*

[slashpine.livejournal.com]

DH: There were several distinct splashes and then the slapping sounds of fish against flesh. Somebody grunted appreciatively...

Erastes writes:
I don't know about you, but my mind went somewhere very very disturbing. Gehayi tells me that in the Jurisdiction novels a man's penis is referred to as a fish, so… this is not a nice image and they really shouldn't be listening.

AHAhahahaha! My dinner is going all over as I read this. So funny! Now I'm thinking about those "slapping sounds of fish against flesh" (ewww, this is my new squick!!!) and wondering...

How much naked flesh is naked on these men, in the woods, in the winter, in the wet cold dark?

Which leads to the even scarier thought: WTF are they *really* out here in the woods for, eh?

'Cos they can't have come here just to tell each other what other people told them, in case Somebody Is Listening (due to the author's failure to be able to show different scenes and having to tell 87% of story via secondhand repeats).

The disturbing thought of "slapping sounds of fish against flesh" has quite put me off dinner. I'm thinking Griphook/Dean here...

[minkhollow]

I'm going to stick to thinking of it as the Fish-Slapping Dance.

[erastes.livejournal.com]

Oh PERFECT!

[erastes.livejournal.com]

Yes - my mind went to man/Goblin too. Or everyone wanking, which was worse. And you are right. It's bloody freezing why would anyone have naked flesh?

[aunty_marion]

Now you've made me cough from giggling too much.

*slaps you around a bit with a large wet trout*

[dancesontrains.livejournal.com]

:D Brilliant spork.

I didn't really notice the cross and water-into-wine stuff at the time (mostly because I was reading in one night so I could get back to the internet without being spoilered, and speed reading over the adverbs.) But it does feel a little strange...although didn't the all go home/stay at school during the Christmas holidays, and have dinner on the 25th? JKR could easily have said 'Yuletide' or something of the sort.

I always though it was supposed to represent a secular, post-Christian or Christian-influenced society. Unlike, for instance, Tamora Pierce who has always had a pagan world, with multiple gods, goddesses and demi-gods.

Oh, and there needs to be fic with Death Eaters being made to take concealed magical eyes by Voldemort.

[erastes.livejournal.com]

Yes, I always wondered about "Easter holidays" and stuff, when she could easily have used the Oxford terms names or made up ones. Christmas trees and Christmas presents but that's about it, they didn't all traipse off to church - and even the wedding wasn't "those that god has put together" was it? Blick.

There certainly does! A Death Eater COLLEGE.

[asphodeline.livejournal.com]

I loved that fish-slapping bit. One of those eyes wide-open moments wondering if she really read over what she'd written.

Ron gets many points in this chapter for having the good sense to get up and leave.

[erastes.livejournal.com]

Minkhollow suggested the Monty Python Fish Slapping dance! yes!!! Now I can't imagine anything else.

Although anything else is better than I WAS thinking...

Three men - two Gobblins...

ARGH.

[logansrogue.livejournal.com]

For god's sake – dress as Muggles, bleach your hair, anything, but the stupid cloak is getting stupid.

Especially since she's said previously that they're getting far too big for the bloody thing!!

[delphinapterus.livejournal.com]

With the way people keep stumbling into them there has to be a secret beacon or wizard catnip on Harry's campsites.

Hilarous spork.

[jodel-from-aol.livejournal.com]

Admit it. If one manages to achieve just the proper frame of mind, one can derive great amusement from the reflection that when it comes down to the wire, Hermione Granger is *every* bit as capable of keeping herself and her companions decently fed as, say, Merope Gaunt...